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Radical unschooling has been getting a lot of press lately. People are genuinely shocked to learn that we don’t boss our kids around about every little thing on the planet. They assume, unfortunately, that they must be wild animals with no sense of responsibility, hygiene or social skills. On an unschooling message board the other day, one woman (who arrived simply to bash unschoolers) was flying off the handle about the fact that the kids on TV had no bedtime.
I just thought she was so silly, going on and on about how children “need” a bedtime. What on earth was she so afraid of? Did she think the kids wouldn’t sleep? Did she think they’d stay up all night long and sleep all day? Did she think it interfered with Mom & Dad’s sex life? For the life of me, I can’t imagine what all the fuss is about.
Some of our family’s favorite bonding-times have been when the rest of the world is sleeping. Remember when we shared a basket of jellyfish? Being “connected” to our children means that we’re aware of their needs and treat them the way we’d want to be treated.
Heather from Swiss Army Wife recently blogged about her family’s bedtime ritual “Wise men Sleep when they are tired.” and she made a great medical and psychological defense against crib usage and forced bedtimes.
In the Nightline Story about unschooling, the reporter focused in on bedtimes as a unique aspect of Radical Unschooling;
In this household, there is no bedtime, no alarm clocks in the morning. Eleven-year-old Devin often stays up past midnight — and Martin does not object. “I’m so happy that he does, and that he has that time to himself because his sisters go to bed at 9 or 10. He can have a nice three, four hours with Joe or just me,” she said. Instead of waking up at 7 a.m. to go to school, Devin sleeps until around 10 a.m. “It’s the same amount of sleep,” he said.
How much simpler can it get? Our bodies don’t require a bedtime. We just need to sleep. Regular periods of wakefulness and tiredness ensure that humans WILL SLEEP. Period.
Ron Paul, who plans to homeschool his own kids, blogged about the Nightline special, too. his commenters bordered hilarious; one said
The only thing the reporter seemed concerned about was these kids weren’t going to be getting up at 5 a.m. to crank up their SUV to go sit in traffic to go work for the man.
The reporter was asking about what “jobs” they’ll be able to get.
WHAT JOBS !?!?!?!
The jobs will all be in China and Mexico by then.
The only jobs in the U.S. will be Homeland Security and prison guards.
Prepare to be shocked. My kids have stayed up all night before. Emilee and Meagan did this at the RE Conference last year because they were so eager to hang out with their new unschooling friends. But, they learned more from the experience a few months ago, when they were given laptops as gifts from their grandparents. Emilee actually threw her thyroid off balance for a few weeks because her sleep habits were such a mess. But she didn’t like the way it felt. She learned her lesson. Meagan learned the lesson without medical consequence. Gabriella (9) stayed up all night a few months ago and spent the next day tired, teary and regretting it. Would any of them have understood this if I’d forced them to go to bed, taken away their computers or bullied them into sleeping? Who knows? But why fight about such a trivial, personal thing?
I’m 35 and I absolutely love being up at night when the rest of the house is asleep. I can clean and an hour later, it STILL looks perfect. I can make a dessert and no one asks for a bite. I can dance around with my iPod and not bump into anyone. Do I regret it the next day? Sometimes, Sometimes no. I tend to plan ahead, and do it when I know I don’t have plans the following day, so I can nap if I need to.
The point is, I am in control of my body. I know that I need sleep (thankfully not much, I thrive on like 4-5 hours these days) and I know how it feels to be rested vs tired. I recognize my body’s needs and do what it takes to meet them. I don’t need the same amount of sleep every night. Since I’ve stopped eating processed foods and started getting more exercise, I require about half the sleep I used to. I’m aware of my body’s changing needs on a daily basis and so are my children.
And, in case you wondered, life without bedtime totally does NOT mean parents can’t have sex. The stork didn’t bring my babies.
The following comments were pasted over from my old site, sorry they’re not in comment format 
In the book “Give me Liberty” by Gerry Spence, which isn’t about parenting at all, it’s about freedom from the profit-driven clutches of corporations and governments, he says;
“Children, as persons, are entitled to the greatest respect. Children are given to us as free-flying souls, but then we clip their wings like we domesticate the wild mallard. Children should become the role-models for us, their parents, for they are coated with the spirit from which they came- out of the ether, clean, innocent, brimming with the delight of life, aware of the beauty of the simplest thing; a snail, a bud, a shadow in the garden. Children are the closest thing to angels.”
Small children ‘s minds clearly live less “in their body” than adult’s. Adults are acutely aware of their own bodies and minds – analyzing its sensations, thoughts and feelings. Kids rarely think of such things. Have you ever heard a child ask “Why do I do that?” They think more about the next fun experience. Sure, some kids may have physical sensitivities to certain fabrics, sounds or foods, but they don’t THINK about it, they just seek comfort. They experience feelings, but they don’t over-analyze them. They just seek happiness. Duh.
 My kids are so evil that even the snail is fooled. After this picture was taken, she ate it alive. (not really) instead of teaching kids OUR world view, we need to allow them to see the world through the eyes they were born with, and listen intently to what they’re telling us.
Some people would have you believe that kids are selfish, sinful or naturally bad, in need of ‘training” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. At their essence, they are creators. Kids are givers. When people see “bad” in children, it’s a gross and self-centered misinterpretation of the child’s actions and NOT a representation of the child’s inner self. Parenting from a position that believes children are inherently evil will NEVER help a child to be their best, EVER. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. These people never see the true soul of their own children because they allow a preconceived notion to cloud their vision. So their children grow up doubting their own inner goodness, free from the responsibility or benefits of peaceful or happy relations because they believe that at their core, that they’re flawed. YOU are not flawed at the core. No matter what your religion has told you. You are infinitely perfect and every experience, no matter what your analytical mind has labeled it, just IS, and isn’t bad or good, it just IS. My favorite part of the audio version of Rhonda Byrne’s book The Secret is the sound of Lisa Nichols’ voice saying
“And your spirit is so big that it fills a room*”
(with a blissful giggle that brings out the irony in the idea that anyone could ever feel small or insignificant)
Life isn’t about forcing people to do what you want. It should be about fully experiencing (LIVING) every minute of whatever it means to you to be ALIVE. This includes your amazing children, experiencing them while allowing them to experience their own (parallel) reality.
 Are these the faces of evil? Inherently evil?
I love how Maddy (7) asks so many questions. In 5 minutes she’s asked me a hundred. “Mom, what’s an errand?” I answered her, then she repeated it back to me in a question. “like if I said ‘I have to run an errand’ it means I need to go do something important somewhere else real quick?” and I confirmed her interpretation. I can’t imagine giving her a list of vocabulary words or asking her to write a sentence for every word on a list (which would be MY list, not hers) Talking, verbal communication, it’s one thing that makes us human, civilized. Why on earth are “schoolers” (not to be confused with scholars, whom I still respect) OK with the idea of interfering with the communication skills of a 7 yr old? How could anyone imagine that ANY list of words would ever meet my child’s need to understand the language in the world around her.
After our little conversation, she stews in her mind a bit, the wheels are turning and she asks me another random question “Did you and dad know each other when you were kids?” and a little later she says “I probably have to google this, but do you know if whales see the way people see?” I had no idea, but I made a mental note of the fact that she realizes the limitations of my knowledge and knows how to research) so we googled it. We never found the answer, because she got sidetracked by videos of whale songs.
Every question doesn’t need an answer. Sometimes questions just lead to more questions and it’s OK. Nothing in real life ever resembles an end-of-the-chapter test.
Birds fly, fish swim and humans learn. -John Holt
Her questioning takes a considerable amount of time every day. She usually hangs out with me in the evening when I’m cleaning the kitchen, grilling me on world history, US history, science, family history, word meanings and telling me all about her doll’s relationships, careers and lifestyles.
Last night, there was something stuck to the burner- I’d wiped it down earlier but I think I got something on it, so it was smoking up the kitchen and it smelled bad. I walk into the kitchen thinking “what the hell is wrong in here, yuck now I have to breathe this $#!+” but I didn’t say it because I was busy listening to her rattle on about something- a story about how our friend Nikki lost her first tooth (For the record, she bit into a taco shell when she was 7 . Nikkie & Maddy share a birthday, and she’s really fun, so it makes Maddy feel special to have her as a friend and Maddy wants to lose her tooth on a taco shell now, so we’re having tacos for dinner)
Anyway, so I keep it to myself- about the smoke- and she walks through the door right behind me. You’d think she just opened the door to the Emerald City of Oz and wasn’t sure if she wanted to go home or not. “MOM- there are a million fairies in the air,” she says, in a lowered voice, lest she break the spell. She points out the sun rays piercing through a thinner patch of smoke and suddenly she’s overcome, enchanted; she’s a fairy. Her arms are raised in bliss and her head is tilted up to the receive the light, and she’s slowly spinning and humming, like angels were singing to her in her head.
To her, the smoky kitchen is beautiful, an amazing thing of wonder. To me, she is the thing of wonder. She’s soaking up the wonder and feeding it right back to me. How can anyone think kids are bad? There’s no bliss quite like experiencing the world through the lens of a child.
*”We often get distracted with this thing called our body and our physical being. That just HOLDS your spirit. And your spirit is so big it fills a room. You are eternal life. You are God manifested in human form, made to perfection.”- Lisa Nichols, The Secret
This post was inspired by a rather heated discussion that took place in the comment section of the Home Education Magazine Facebook page.
 Meagan took this picture In the unschooling community, there’s a great respect for children’s inner wisdom. This week, for me, has been filled with confirmation that I need to follow my kids’ lead more often and to value their life’s experiences and authentic reactions.
Be fearless
I love going to the park and often, when we’re waiting for kids to finish their dance, drama or singing classes, we wait at the park where we swing, skate, climb, run or just do gymnastics in the grass. Yesterday, Maddy and I were doing tricks and she said “Can you do a front flip?” I said “no, can you?” It didn’t look like she even had time to think about the answer, she just did it. When she was done, I clapped my hands and said “Oh my goodness, I didn’t know you could do that, wow” and to my surprise, she said “Neither did I, I just did it.” I said “have you ever done it before?” and she said “no, I just did it.” WOW. OK. SO I did it. I was amused at my inner dialog, wondering whether or not she had mentally talked herself into it or if it really was as simple as she’d made it sound. In the end, I took a deep breath, pictured myself doing it a few times and just DID it. She was so excited for me, which was sweet. It was easier than I thought it would be and we both spent the next few minutes perfecting our front flips. I just thought it was funny, though, that I tell people “just do it” all the time and here I was being “schooled” by my 7 year old. Thank you, Maddy.
 Flipping, for the fun of it Love and conflict aren’t opposites
When my kids fight with each other, I don’t always handle it well. Over the years, I’ve gotten better. By stepping back and letting them work it through, I notice they end up fighting less. By discussing anger management techniques and communication skills during peaceful times (rather than in the heat of the moment) we’ve all learned how to avoid conflict or resolve it quicker, finding win-win situations and making allowances for one another’s preferences sometimes. But sometimes, I fail. The other day, Gabriella and Madelyn were fighting and Gabriella lowered her voice to a scary tone and threatened Madelyn. I snapped and made my own voice scary and told her to get out of the room until she could communicate without being mean (Ironic and pathetic, I know) Gabriella left the room and Madelyn looked at me with the sweetest face and said “It’s OK, Mommy, she can talk to me that way. She just wants her Barbie back. We were working it out. I’m not giving it to her until she gives me my doll’s dress back. I planned it this way.” I felt about half an inch tall. I brought Gabriella back and apologized for sending her out, I apologized for using a mean voice and I explained that I am still learning how to handle things nicely and I get upset when I think someone is being mean. I should have asked if they wanted my help first. Then I thanked Maddy for helping me understand the situation.
 Barbies in my house are almost never this dressed or this well-behaved Forgive, forget and whistle while you work
My 2 year old LOVES to put her own laundry away. There are other household tasks she likes to do, too. She likes to scrub the kitchen table while I load the dishwasher, she loves to help push the clothes into the washing machine, she loves to help carry groceries in, she follows me around all day “helping.” Well the other day, I put her clothes into her drawer for her. She was so angry with me. She can’t reach her drawer, so when she puts her clothes away I have to lift her up (while she’s holding the folded clothes) and she puts them into the drawer. It seemed like more than I wanted to do at the moment. She was taking her shoes off and I didn’t feel like waiting until she was done, so I just put her clothes into her drawer. You would have thought I’d stabbed her with an ice pick. she grabbed her belly and screamed at me “You puttid my clothes away, I wanted to do it MYSELF.” Her little angry yell was adorable, her face was red and filled with tears. I snickered a little bit because she’s so tiny and so sweet and I loved that she was so passionate about it. I took the clothes OUT of the drawer and scooped her up to apologize (I really should have known better) Then, I helped her put her clothes away, like normal and she went on about her business, without the slightest sign of anger. Later on, she said “Mommy, I sorry I freaked out about my yaundry” and I apologized for putting it away. I really do love that she values her “work” and enjoys helping around the house. I have to remember that it’s ME who secretly wishes someone else would do the laundry, not her. I’m also proud of myself for not teaching her how to hate housework, when we clean, we sing and dance and have a very good time together. If I keep this up, she will gladly take over the responsibility one day. (not that I have any coercive ulterior motives, right)
Being in tune with my kids, communicating honestly and respecting their preferences and desires is a very important part of what goes on in our house. I am, by no means, perfect at this. Clearly, I screw up. We all screw up. But I guess we’ve been doing this long enough that we’ve established an open and constant dialog that they’ve mastered faster than I have. I will continue to be impressed and amazed by their pure love and sweet dispositions.
 Great opportunity to discuss germs
Discovery Health recently aired a special called “Radical Parenting” where they profiled three “extreme” families. One was an Attachment Parenting mom, who spoke about extended nursing, co-sleeping and elimination communication. Another was a feminist mom who took care not to expose her sons to the idea that toys, clothes and colors had sexual connotations. The other was a radical unschooler, who (you should know this if you’re reading me regularly…) allows their children to create their own lives, giving them the tools they need to explore their world and not placing arbitrary rules and consequences upon them.
The general consensus is that the first two families are OK, but those unschoolers are just plain crazy. Oh what I wouldn’t have given 16 years ago to hear a “general consensus” that Attachment Parenting wasn’t too extreme.
There’s a dangerous misconception among parents that “people who make decisions different than mine don’t care about their kids.”
It’s really a harmful way to look at other families.
EVERY parent, even the most abusive and negligent ones, care about their kids. I remember once seeing a documentary where a couple who’d been in prison for several years for murder via child abuse, was being interviewed about their case.
The children had been starved and locked in a closet for days, as punishment. After several years of imprisonment, they still cared. On either side of a split screen, the woman said “I just didn’t know any other way, I know it sounds crazy.” and the man, in another prison across the state said “I just hope they’re OK now, wherever they are. I hope they’re healthy and I hope one day they forgive us.”
The reporter said that the children were in foster care and that the couple would never legally be allowed to see them again, even after serving their 50 year sentence. There were 3 kids in the family and the youngest one, just 3, had died at the hands of his parent’s abuse.
Their pain was obvious. They cared. But “caring” that many years later was kinda irrelevant.
When I watched the show, I was crying. “How could they do such a thing?” I wanted to believe they were monsters. I wanted to believe in a satan, surely this meek sad woman couldn’t really have done this. She must have been possessed, or on drugs or something, right?
Pictures of the family were shown in negative colors, with an eerie sound effect; an editing choice that I’m sure was designed to hide the fact that they looked like a normal family at the river, playing in the water on a camping trip or opening Christmas presents. Or maybe it was designed to emphasize their normal-look. I saw a normal family when I looked at the pictures.
Disgusted with myself for even wondering, I tried to imagine how I’d feel if I didn’t see my kids for 50 years. I decided that without a doubt, I’d think about them every day. For several years, it haunted me that the last words of the woman’s interview were “I think about them each day” and her sobbing faded into the same eerie music.
Yet, acknowledging that even the most horrible parents still love their children, or still care about them after killing them, is socially unacceptable. We must call them names and look scornfully upon them. It isn’t bad enough that they learned abusive patterns from their parents, grew up to become addicted to prescription drugs as well as meth and ended up destroying their own family and losing everything they love in the process.
In a culture where people toss around cliches like “We aways hurt the ones we love” it’s not surprising to see a general parenting philosophy that says it’s OK to hurt little kids. What is surprising is when people don’t connect that the abusive parent is simply a extension of the same philosophy that says kids’ feelings are irrelevant; raised to believe that they’re worthless, they grow up to treat children as if they have no value.
If only this couple could have remembered who they were before their strange lives had hardened them. If only they hadn’t been “trained up” in the way that they went. If only they’d been allowed to develop into the selves that they were the day they were born, helpless, dependent, grateful and free.
The woman in Texas who drowned her children when her prescription for anti-depressants wasn’t renewed, she cared about her kids. Andrea something. In court, once her meds were stabilized, she sobbed with remorse. Her pain was undeniable. She didn’t care about her sentence, everything she cared about was gone.
As a mother, I expect that if I ever lose a child, the world will huddle around me to give me strength and love, and make sure I’m OK. She didn’t get that. Some say she doesn’t deserve it. I say she’s human, and failing to show her compassion only furthers the negativity and insensitivity that breeds baby killers.
So when I see parents accusing other parents of “not caring about” their kids, it pisses me off.
They care. With every fiber of their being, these parents who drop their infants off at daycare STILL care. Those parents who decide not to breastfeed before their child is even born, they still care. Those parents who carry their 5 yr olds, kicking and screaming to the school bus STILL care. Those parents who force their kids to memorize the state capitols and finish their math before they play outside, STILL care. Those parents who do things differently than we do STILL care.
Every parent cares.
Creating walls between acceptable and unacceptable behavior makes it impossible to understand where unacceptable behavior comes from. Behavior doesn’t just “happen.” People don’t do things for no reason. No behavior is “just a decision,” it’s ALL shaping our children’s lives and the collective consciousness of the next few generations. Parents have “behavior” too and it’s really all just an expression of our needs.
And as much as we like to think that we make parenting decisions “based upon what we think is best” for our families, the truth is that we make our decisions based upon what we believe about the world and human nature.
When parents discuss their differing decisions, a common way to end the conversation is by saying “Well, this is what works best for our family” but that doesn’t change the fact that there’s a good chance that both parties walk away thinking the other one “just doesn’t care.” Of course they care, they just don’t CARE to live in the same reality as you.
Parents who feel that children are lowly and inferior will make different decisions than parents who believe humans are born with inner wisdom, and are equals.
Parents who believe that the world is a scary and dangerous place will make different parenting decisions than parents who believe that the world is amazing.
ALL of these parents, though, care about their kids
Our culture’s current practice of targeting social outreach programs at the impoverished puts the blame for social ills on people’s income. But that’s not the whole story. People aren’t “who they are” because their income is lower or higher than anyone else’s. People are “who they are” because of what they believe about themselves and the world. Denying that our culture and its acceptable parenting practices influence a child’s beliefs about themselves does a huge disservice to an entire generation. Especially when we allow governments and corporations to create disempowering programs that change the way impoverished parents and children interact.
Imagine growing up to believe that you’re screwed. No matter what you do, you’re going to end up with cancer because everyone on your mom’s side has it. And you’ll probably be an alcoholic because everyone on your dad’s side was one. And there’s diabetes all throughout your family history. You probably won’t finish college because you had premarital sex and go ahead and enjoy all that hair on your head because you’ll be bald by the time you’re 30.
These are the things we tell kids nowadays. Nevermind that cancer, alcoholism and diabetes can be prevented and that sex is a normal thing for humans to do. As far as baldness goes, some people think it’s sexy.
What does this have to do with abuse and parenting and education and peace? Everything and nothing.
Everything because our culture retrains human instinct by telling kids that their desire to run and play and be with their mommies is irrelevant. Parenting practices which our culture readily accepts, allow for different variations of this harmful philosophy. Whether it’s forcing a newborn to cry it out, forcing a toddler into a corner for time-out, forcing teens to deny their sexual desire or forcing new mothers to sleep in a room away from their infants.
Parents care. But mixed cultural messages, combined with early experiences that teach us to ignore our natural instincts, screw it all up.
And it has NOTHING to do with abuse, because humans are flexible. Even someone who has been raised in an abusive situation can DECIDE to retrain themselves as parents. We have a choice. The same decision-making skills that allow generations of families to hurt the children they love can be harnessed to CHANGE the way they react under stress.
This is why manipulating little children is so dangerous. It trains kids to stop believing they have a choice. Look at your friends, the ones who suffer the most. I have a friend on Facebook whose daily status updates reflect the most pathetic and miserable of diatribes. Every Monday she’s upset about going to work and every morning she hates waking up and she’s always in conflict about her relationships with family and friends and every few days there’s something to indicate that she “has no choice.” Sometimes I want to scream at her “SHUT UP- CHOOSE ANOTHER WAY.” but other friends are more tolerant, offering advice and ideas for her, which she shrugs away, content to be the victim, always.
As a mom, I mostly don’t ever want my kids to think they have “no choice but to suffer.” So I try to always make sure they know that their life and happiness are in their hands. It’s not my job to “make them happy” but since I love them, I want them to be happy. I try not to deliberately do things that I know are bothersome. I wouldn’t like it if someone were so indifferent to my happiness. When they are unhappy, they know they can come to me for ideas and a discussion about “different ways to look at the situation.” If there’s something specific that I can do, I’m eager to do it. Ultimately, I want them to know that their happiness is in their hands, not in the future. Happiness doesn’t need to be earned. Happiness in the future doesn’t need to come from misery today.
My husband and I were definitely not raised the way we are raising our kids. We’ve made a conscious decision to use a different, less restrictive approach. On a daily basis we discuss the events in our family and compare our initial reactions and our retrospective analysis of the situation. We try to guide ourselves by memories of how we felt as kids, the input we get from the children about their feelings and perceptions, and a sense of freedom that we enjoy determining our own lives and want them to do the same. We’ve come to encourage one another’s parental growth. I have things I’m working on and he has things he’s working on.
Some other parent may look upon us and say “Their daughter isn’t wearing shoes, they must not care.” but that’s not the case at all. We choose to not battle over shoes. Chances are, the shoes are in my purse in case she changes her mind, but don’t say I don’t care. And when you’re fighting with your child about tying their shoes, I won’t say that you don’t care either. Because judgments like that harden us, making us immune to the suffering of another and unwilling or unable to lend a hand, creating dividing lines that don’t need to exist. We’re all humans. We were born barefoot, how important are shoes?
I leave you with a quote from Suzanne Arms
“If we hope to create a non-violent world where respect and kindess replace fear and hatred, we must begin with how we treat each other at the beginning of life. For that is where our deepest patterns are set. From these roots grow fear and alienation or love and trust.”
and another quote from grown-up-and-unschooled Emily Williams
The real world puts the power in your hands, whether you like it or not! If you’ve been TOLD what to do your whole life, how do you make a decision for yourself? Do you have the ability to follow you heart? Or has it been programmed out of you because fear of failure?”
This gets me steamed- and I see a lot of “gentle” parents doing it. It sounds like this;
“Oh sweetie, it makes mommy so sad when you _________”
or
“Come on, give grandma a kiss, you’re hurting her feelings”
or
“Please ______ honey, it would make me so happy”
Here’s a newsflash- Your kids are not responsible for your emotions, OK. Now, if I only had the nerve to say this to xxxxxxx. (and here’s the part where I begin to address xxxxxx as if this were a note to her all along…)
Your 2 yr old is confused enough, he doesn’t need the added confusion of your emotional instability.
Instead of telling the kid that he’s making YOU sad (because his world really does not revolve around you) why don’t you find out what he’s upset about. Perhaps he didn’t want to come inside. Perhaps all he wanted was to play outside a little longer. Now that you’ve wrangled him inside so that he can tend to your emotional needs, what should he do with himself? Do you need a footrub, too?
It might be easier (and less insane) to wrangle him into the house by preparing a snack, bubble bath, or inside activity, instead of simply saying “it’s time to come inside” because “coming inside” doesn’t sound like much fun but “coming inside to roll bouncy balls down the stairs” does sound like fun.
I can’t imagine anything more stressful than the idea that my caregiver’s sanity or mental state of mind was dependent upon my actions. That is a recipe for one neurotic kid.
I secretly hope that you do read this. I’ll admit it’s you and we can talk, OK. Your kid doesn’t need to be concerned with having your emotions tied to his actions.
I hope that if you ever hear yourself saying “you’re making mommy sad” your face begins to twitch and you realize all of the psychological implications that this thinking may spawn and begin to say it less and less, focusing on the REAL SITUATION, which is not your emotions, but the fact that there’s a rattlesnake on the porch or it’s hailing golf balls, which are two very good reasons to come inside right now. Otherwise, you’re better off helping him transition (described above- the bouncy ball thing)
Remember- your child is not the source of your emotions, you DECIDE how you feel. Please don’t forget that.
You know when the news interviews people outside the scene of some major event and some people say really stupid things, while others are able to give an accurate account of the events in an order that truly gives you a picture of what went on?
I’m in the first group.
I feel the need to post a coherent statement about my experiences at the Rethinking Education Conference in Dallas, but the reality is that I’m not done digesting it yet.
In one way, everything I experienced resonated with deeply held beliefs that hadn’t yet been validated by anyone outside of my own mind, with the exception of those books I read such a long time ago.
Years ago, I read everything by John Holt, Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce, the Continuum Concept, the Teenage Liberation Handbook, everything by John Taylor Gatto, and they definitely influenced my parenting. But this was over 10 years ago, when my oldest was a baby, and at that point, the only practical skills I could have come away with were babywearing, limiting the amount of crappy toys in favor of real things, not duplicating a classroom in my house, and the intention of one day not being such an idiot when it came to my kids.
So, ten years have passed and the deeply held trust I had for babies and toddlers has lent itself well to my family, and my total ignorance about the older child development has made me an idiot when it comes to my kids.
It was really nice to be in an environment of adults whose beliefs were so similar to mine that it allowed me to challenge myself based upon my own logic. I couldn’t have predicted many of the issues that I’d be “rethinking” and education wasn’t even one of them, much to my surprise. But “Rethinking-Everything-You-Thought-You-Knew-about-Human-Existence Conference” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
The talent show was fantastic. It had all the passion and creativity of the fireplace performances in my house, with none of the contrived parent-led recitations of other kid group performances I’ve seen (I’m not naming any names.) The Thriller Dance was great, the little girls who retold the story of Atlas with interpretive dance, totally sweet, and all of the dancing and singing. One little girl, I don’t know how old she was, said “I’m going to sing a lullaby, but I don’t want you to go to sleep. It’s a song my mother sings to me” and proceeded to serenade us all. Then, there was the entire room singing Pink Floyd “We don’t need no education…” My absolute favorite performance was by some little boy in a green shirt, I don’t even know his name. He was the lead singer in a rock and roll band. He handled the microphone like a real spirited rock star jumping around saying “yeah yeah” and when he told everyone to put their hands in the air, they did.
My stand-up comedy thing was fun. I didn’t have the stage-fright I thought I’d have. The environment was so loving, accepting and fun that I really felt safe and comfortable, like I was in a room full of friends. The sound system was a bit of a challenge, it threw me off a little. I forgot the whole 2nd half of my little act but I backed off before it became an embarrassment. I don’t know. I wonder if anyone filmed it. Eek- I don’t know if I want to see. I guess I can check that one off the bucket list.
The little reconstructed action figures were adorable. I loved how creative the kids were chopping up the Happy Meal toys and rebuilding them into more imaginative things. My favorite was the Tasmanian Devil coming out of the My Little Pony’s butt. Because I’m 12 that way.
 toy from Rethinking Education Conference I made friends. It’s been years since I’ve been in the company of adults who share these beliefs. It was really really nice. I haven’t felt so relieved and relaxed in so many years. I like knowing real life people that I can learn from. I like hearing their similar perspectives and learning from our differences. I like the supportive environment that comes from everyone helping bring out the best in each other.
So what happens? I come home to a house full of angry kids, and an angry husband. In an effort to please me with an immaculately spotless house, my husband used the skills he learned as a child to get the kids to help clean. One nice way to look at this is that I’m grateful for new insights that will allow us to work together differently in the future. Another advantage we have is that he’s open minded and once he gets past the emotions of everyone hating him for the events of the week, I am sure that he’ll be a happier guy.
One thing I learned was the value of appreciating people for where they are on the path. I don’t have to go there, but knowing why someone ELSE is there helps me respond better. My kids, accustomed to questioning authority and teamwork, didn’t buy the whole “Because I pay the bills” business. There was a revolt. I’m glad I wasn’t here for it. I’m glad it happened.
Yesterday, the girls and I started making altered books. Today we’re taking the sewing machine to the repair shop, so we can work on a few sewing projects we keep meaning to do. Each day we plan to spend time creating stuff together. I have an owl purse to copycat and an article to write that involves scrap booking supplies, so I’ll have to go buy some (unless one of my readers is a vendor who wants to donate in exchange for a review/ credit in a major mainstream parenting publication)
So we’re chugging along. I plan to share the “social world of unschoolers” with the rest of my family at the Life is Good Conference in Vancouver, WA next Spring. I’m enjoying the “back-to-my-roots” feeling and I’m not enjoying the consequences of having strayed for so many years. We’ll be OK, though. It’s a process, right? You can’t just be crazy like this overnight.
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Sunblock is Bullshit
*Even though more people use sunscreen than ever before, the incidence of skin cancer in the United States and other countries continues to rise (Aceituno-Madera 2010; Jemal 2008; Osterlind 1992)
*A number of studies conducted in the 1990s report higher, not lower, incidence of the deadliest form of skin cancer, malignant melanoma, among frequent sunscreen users (Autier 1995; Westerdahl 2000; Wolf 1994)
*According to the American Cancer Society, malignant melanoma accounts for only 3-4% of all skin cancer cases, but is responsible for 75% of all deaths attributed to the disease each year (ACS 2010)
To date, studies show that regular sunscreen use reduces risk for squamous-cell carcinoma (SCC) but not other types of skin cancer. SCC, a slow-growing, treatable cancer, is estimated to account for just 16% of all skin cancers annually
I know we do a lot of crazy things that other people don’t do. Unassisted childbirth, unschooling, avoiding processed foods and pesticides and, well, lots of other things I don’t want to argue about but this one is different, it’s life and death.
Sunblock.
It’s not good for you, it causes cancer. NOT the sun, mind you, the sun block, OKAY
You can read my ramblings or read those of Mike Adams, who is some kind of expert.
It just isn’t logical to me that the SUN- the light of the planet we were born to live on- would be toxic to our SKIN- the only thing designed to get in between our guts and the sun’s light.
Mike says…
The scientific evidence, however, shows quite clearly that sunscreen actually promotes cancer by blocking the body’s absorption of ultraviolet radiation, which produces vitamin D in the skin. Vitamin D, as recent studies have shown, prevents up to 77% of ALL cancers in women (breast cancer, colon cancer, cervical cancer, lung cancer, brain tumors, multiple myeloma… you name it).
He says lots of other logical things, too but I urge you to read his article so I don’t have to paste it all here.
I did a little detective work here, to discover the common ingredients in Sunscreen products and found THIS pdf database and THIS, the Skin Deep cosmetics ingredients database
So- the common sun-blocking ingredients are..
Homosalate (moderate hazard)
A UVB protector. Research indicates it is a weak hormone disruptor, forms toxic metabolites, and can enhance the penetration of a toxic herbicide. Restricted in Japan for cosmetics, Enhances skin absorption of toxins
Octinoxate (moderate hazard)
The most widely used sunscreen ingredient, known for its low potential to sensitize skin or act as a phototallergen. Estrogenic effects are noted in laboratory animals as well as disruption of thyroid hormone and brain signaling. Produces excess reactive oxygen species that caninterfere with cellular signaling, cause mutations, lead to cell death and may be implicated in cardiovascular disease. Ingredient is suspected or measured to accumulate in people.
Oxybenzone (high hazard)
Associated with photoallergic reactions. This chemical absorbs through the skin in significant amounts. It contaminates the bodies of 97% of Americans according to Centers for Disease Control research. Outlawed in Japan. Produces excess reactive oxygen species that can interfere with cellular signaling, cause mutations, lead to cell death and may be implicated in cardiovascular disease.
Octisalate (moderate hazard)
Octisalate is a weak UVB absorber with a generally good safety profile among sunscreen ingredients. It is a penetration enhancer, which may increase the amount of other ingredients passing through skin.
Zinc Oxide low – high risk
Zinc has a long history of use in sunscreen and other skin care products; little absorption andno adverse health effects are reported. Some sunscreens with zinc contain nanoparticles which do not penetrate skin but may pose toxicity concerns if inhaled (like in SPRAY SUNSCREEN) or in the environment. One or more animal studies show brain and nervous system effects at high doses. One or more animal studies show skin irritation at moderate doses
Titanium Dioxide low- high risk
Titanium dioxide has a long history of use in sunscreen and other products. It appears safefor use on skin, due to low penetration but inhalation is a concern. Some titanium sunscreens(SPRAY SUNSCREEN) contain nano-size particles may have greater toxicity to body tissues and environment.
AvoBenz One not listed
Octocrylene (moderate hazard)
Octocrylene may be used in combination with other UV absorbers to achieve higher SPF formulas. It produces oxygen radicals when exposed to UV light. Restricted in cosmetics (recommendations or requirements) – use, concentration, or manufacturing restrictions –Japan – restricted for use in cosmetics (concentration limit)
Padimate-O (moderate hazard)
A derivative of the once-popular PABA sunscreen ingredient, research shows this chemicalreleases free radicals, damages DNA, has estrogenic activity, and still causes allergic reactions in some people.Restricted in Japan, bla bla bla this is getting old
Ensulizole (moderate hazard)
Known to produce free radicals when exposed to sunlight, leading to damage of DNA, this UVB protector may have the potential to cause cancer. Restricted in Japan.
Meradimate (low hazard)
A moderately effective UVA protector not permitted for use in Europe or Japan. 1 study found that it produces damaging reactive oxygen species when exposed to sunlight.
italic text notes are from me
Even though the EPA warns that
“Small children are ten times more sensitive to most chemicals than are adults.”
and a lot of these ingredients increase skin absorption of pesticides (read above)
They’ve got a cute little downloadable song that teaches kids to use sunblock as part of an entire SunWise curriculum for teachers, parents and communities.
Anyhow- the bottom line is- don’t burn. Wear a wide-brimmed hat and limit sun exposure until you’ve built up a little base coat of protection. It’s sun burns (and sun block) that cause cell damage. So use your brain and get out of the sun if you’re prone to burning.
If we lived in tribes and spent most of our time outdoors, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, we’d all be a little toasted all year long. However, we spend most of our time indoors, (like um all winter) and have weakened our body’s natural ability to deal with the sun. So build it back up, spend more time (ease into it) outdoors and get the Vitamin D that you deserve to prevent 77% of cancers. Even Gardasil doesn’t do that (don’t get me started on Gardasil)
 Or follow me on Twitter.
UPDATED IN 2010- to add the following:
More bad news about Sunscreen Safety: Nanoparticles
Environmental Working Group’s 2010 Guide to Sunscreen Safety
Study: Many Sunscreens May be Promoting Cancer
9 Surprising Truths about Sunscreen
The Sunblock Myth: How Sunscreen Products Actually Promote Cancer
Sunscreens and Skin Cancer; The Science
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Some people eat out a lot. They drive through in the morning for coffee, they drive through for lunch, and they call for curbside delivery, take-out, pizza delivery or they just go out to eat. Their meals might not be nutritionally sound. Heck, half the time, they probably don’t even know what’s IN them. Maybe they don’t even care how it was prepared. They might get a variety of flavors and ethnicities, or they might stick with burgers all the time. Or pizza. The food might not be delicious by my standards, and it might cost way too much. But that’s what they do. It’s just how they eat. Sure- it might cost more, and they have to work more in order to pay for this eating style, but they do it because- how else would they eat?
Others choose to feed their bellies differently. Growing food in their own garden (organic or not), shopping at farmer’s markets, or planning gourmet meals at home with rare ingredients imported from all over the world. Cooking can be a family together activity, or someone’s meditative time to prepare a meal in peace. Ingredients are carefully washed and cut, measured (or not) and mixed together until it’s just right (Honey taste this sauce, does it need more garlic?) Mealtime is at the table, all together, maybe even with fancy dishes and silverware. Conversations circle the table, with the condiments and while it might be time-consuming, how else would they eat?
Feeding the mind isn’t much different. Some choose to send their kids to school, buying into an education someone else has made, while others choose to learn their own lessons. Is one way better than another? They both have their ups and downs. Ultimately, how we feed our minds is just as important as how we feed our bellies. While I think I’d enjoy eating out a little more often, I can’t imagine trusting my kids’ minds to a drive-through education.
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Marci
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Barb
