"I would not interfere with any creed of yours,or want to appear that I have all the cures.There is so much to know... So many things are true...The way my feet must go may not be best for you.And so, I give this spark of what is light to me,to guide you through the dark, but not tell you what to see." -Author Unknown
The kids got some money from their Grandma recently and Grace (4) spent her money in the store of Emilee (16) & Meagan (13). Emilee & Meagan tend to set aside some trinkets and things they know the little kids will like and when the little kids get any money, the older girls will sell things to them.
I used to get so annoyed that they were taking advantage of the little ones. I recently came to my senses, though. If they’re happy with their purchase, what business is it of mine? As they get older they will understand the value of their money without my mistrust, and they will demand better “deals” and make smarter purchasing decisions. Or not. Either way, what business is it of mine to interfere?
Today Grace bought a little wooden box from Emilee. She wants to get a pet mouse to live in it. One of the first things she had to do , though, was to paint the box. She asked me if she could paint it and I really didn’t give it much thought,except to say “please clean up the paint when you’re done.” When she was done, it took me less than 5 minutes to wipe up the paint and make sure the lids were on tight.
She’s also what some might call a picky eater. Her eating schedule is just a little bit different than everyone else in our house. So she never seems to be hungry when we’re eating- she uses that time to make all kinds of art. Because of this, I save her a plate for when she’s hungry, otherwise she’d eat nothing but jelly sandwiches all day.
Grace is 4 and she loves Microsoft paint on the computer. She creates these little drawings and each has a name and a story. Sometimes it takes her a while to think of a name and when she does, they’re very very cute. Files we saved today were called “Sparkling love for Maddy,” “Colored mommy surprise,” and “Pancake man with a big happy smile.”
Today when I was cutting the crust from Grace’s sandwich, I realized that I’ve come a long way. I never cut off crusts for my older kids. I used to shy away from the idea that kids’ preferences mattered. It’s accepted, in our culture, to dismiss the wishes of children by placing ourselves upon a pedestal.
I grew up so often hearing things like “Yeah right, like I’m going to cut the crust off your sandwich? Do I look like a slave? When I was your age, we had to eat the crust or we’d starve. Cut off your own crust. Or better yet, learn to like the crust, otherwise I’m not making you sandwiches anymore.” Imagine how that would feel, though. Imagine if you were in a restaurant and the cook came out of the kitchen to tel you that. You’d be a bit offended. You certainly wouldn’t choose to dine there again, at least I wouldn’t.
I have to give a product recommendation here. We go through jelly because we have 6 kids, y’know. Plus, I like jelly, too. But we gave up on Smuckers and even generic brands because they all had high fructose corn syrup in them. I could find teeny jars of sugar-only or no-sweetener-added or (God forbid) artificially sweetened (which I never once did buy) but this Danish Farms makes the most delicious strawberry preserves. Basically, it’s nothing but the chunks. It comes in a little blue bucket.
With this stuff, you don’t make a sandwich, bite several bites and every now & then say “mmm, I just got a strawberry.” These guys put ginormous whole berries in every bite. So you know that they’re not physically over-processed, they’re intact, recognizable. It’s the absolute most delicious thing. And it’s only $1 or $2 more than the big jars with hfcs in it. I think this summer we’ll try mashing fresh strawberries for sandwiches
So anyway, I’m downstairs in the kitchen with Evelyn. We’re cleaning up the dinner mess and she wants a little more rice. I’m putting the leftovers in a divided plate for a midnight snack or Grace’s dinner. She hadn’t eaten yet. I got everything cleaned up and Grace came in. She was hungry, so she sat up at the table with Evelyn eating a late-night dinner. The two shared a plate and had a very sweet conversation. “You getting dat bite?” “Its yummy?” “You want my chicken?” “You yike yours rice?” I kept the dishwater running really low so I could hear their sweet little voices.
When I put away the hot sauce, I noticed the awesome jelly in the fridge and was so excited about how delicious it looked that I pointed it out to both girls and offered them a jelly sandwich. I wanted a pb& j but they prefer their peanut butter by the spoon, not on bread with jelly. It’s one of their favorite meals. A few years ago, I would have said “No way. You’re not eating a jelly sandwich. That’s not a meal.”
They each wanted half a sandwich. Grace, I noticed, used to insist upon two breads. She saw me making two-bread sandwiches for the older girls and felt ripped-off for a while. I think she’s noticed though, that she can’t ever really eat a two-bread sandwich. I’m glad I never told her “No, you can’t eat that much.” When she first asked for two-bread sandwiches, she got annoyed with me for offering her a choice. So I stopped offering her a choice. I made absolutely no issue about the size sandwich she was asking for, it was a completely struggle-less transition. I learned to wait until she was done and add some peanut butter to the leftover half for myself. Or just get over it and throw it away. Often, she’d want it wrapped up for later, until she discovered that jelly sandwiches aren’t that yummy leftover.
She was experimenting with a different sandwich size and learned that it was too much for her. I never once said “Are you sure you can eat two” The only time I’d do that was if we were just about out of bread. She hates the crust, so I couldn’t even turn around the butt-end of the bread.
The girls enjoyed sharing a sandwich together, especially the tasty jelly chunks. I brought them milk in their favorite cups and Evelyn was the first to say “gankgoo mommy”
After they ate, Grace went upstairs to paint again while Evelyn wanted to drink some water. It took her a while to get the water bottle out of the case, it was the last one. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as she stuck her arm in and out of it, pick it up & shook it, tried turning it over. She didn’t want help and I was cleaning anyway.
After she got the water bottle out, she danced a little dance of joy while I opened the lid and she took a few sips. She wanted me to put the lid on and take it off in between each sip. I only groaned a little bit. The sound of her voice and her happy little face when we’re communicating with each other is so very sweet and addictive. Dishes can wait.
After she takes her last sip (apparently she needed 4 of them) she sang and danced. She made up a little song on the spot about a ducky shhleepling (which means sleeping) I can’t even say it had a tune, but her voice was raised at a very high pitch and she stretched out certain random syllables of a few words. Every now and then she’d catch me looking at her and smiling and she’d blush a little and then sing louder.
After a while she stopped and said “Joo hear my song mommy? Joo hear me sing dat song mommy? I singed dddduuuuuucckkkkyyyyy song mommy. I singed ducky schleeeeepling, OK” Yes- I tell her. “I heard your little song about the ducky sleeping, that was cute. Did you have fun?”
It’s really cute when she says her name. “I Evie” or “I Evelyn” So today Meagan asked her “Who are you?” She got a sly look on her face and said “I Effalint” (which is actually elephant) I was surprised. “You don’t look like an elephant, you look like a little girl.” “No I just lying.” I was amused that she knew the word lying, we don’t use it much around here. I asked “You’re a lion?” “No, I lying. I sayed me EFFALINT.” She sure set me straight.
We’re interrupted. Gabriella comes in to tel us that Grace is so cute painting her little box upstairs.
I really love it when I realize I’m failing at something because it gives me a clear and present opportunity to improve. Seriously.
So a friend of mine, who is enrolled in a political science class, emails me to send me a quote from a Supreme court judge who is dealing with a case where a high school student was suing for a 1st amendment violation. The quote is:
when States developed public education systems in the early 1800’s, no one doubted the government’s ability to educate and discipline children as private schools did. Like their private counterparts, early public schools were not places for freewheeling debates or exploration of competing ideas. Rather, teachers instilled “a core of common values” in students and taught them self-control. Reese 23; A. Potter & G. Emerson, The School and the Schoolmaster: A Man-ual 125 (1843) (“By its discipline it contributes, insensibly, to generate a spirit of subordination to lawful authority, a power of self-control, and a habit of postponing present indulgence to a greater future good . . .”
By that measure, apparently, schools really are succeeding. They’re reaching their initial goal, as planned, to raise generations of Americans who don’t debate or ask questions, blindly trusting their leadership. So there it is.
Me being me, however, I kept replaying the words in my mind throughout the day, emphasizing each syllable differently, to see if the meaning could possibly be anything else, more innocent, more sinister, ANYTHING.
I’m moving through my “tasks-I-do-when-the-kids-are-very-involved-in-something” like hanging the laundry and doing the dishes. The kids were making miniature books upstairs, measuring, cutting, planning, designing… I overhear a fight between the girls and I listen long enough to get the gist of it and then I head upstairs to “say something.”
I swear, I should just keep my mouth shut. Why am I homeschooling when words of wisdom like this can extinguish any debate and communication that my kids DESERVE to engage in. Here’s what I said:
“I am sure that when she called it her room she wasn’t trying to minimize the fact that it’s your room, too. Stop picking apart every word that she says and trying to make it into a fight. So she said it was her room. Big deal. it’s your room, too. And just because she says “my room” that doesn’t make it any less “your room”
Then I went downstairs. Surely in my wake they were filed with peacefulness at having the situation resolved, right? Fat chance.
So in one bossy-mom-sick-of-hearing-the-arguing-incident, I managed to squash one of my favorite personal traits, and that is the picking-apart-of-language-to-get-the-deeper-meaning and also, standing up for oneself, defending property and debating semantics…. all of it, out the window, just because my sensitive ears were bothered.
Debate is so very important for civilized society. I hate conflict, my sister and I fought a lot as kids. Is there a link? We always got in trouble for fighting. Does that matter? As a mom I am always wanting to protect my kids (even from one another), but when I look back at my childhood, I don’t remember very much fighting. I don’t think I was as much influenced by the fights as I was by the feeling that “fighting is bad.”
I am so sick, today, of examining every thought I have in order to determine whether or not it’s worth keeping or tossing. The inclination to squash their fights and sort things out for them definitely needs to go. Sibling rivalry is totally a healthy way to learn about communication. Animal siblings do it and humans should, too.
Had their fight continued, they both might have come away with a deeper understanding of the need to communicate precisely. They might have physically hurt one another. They might have come away bitter about the distinction between mine and yours. they might have revisited the argument months later when the other sister made the dire mistake of saying “my room” instead of “our room” or perhaps the room-claimer would have been able to explain her way out of it, or apologize. Either way. I shouldn’t have stepped in. Kids have the right to communicate their feelings with one another honestly and openly. The best thing I can probably do for them is to model communication skills. Eventually, they’ll copy. I see this every day, they copy my good and my bad “behavior.”
This is their journey, not mine. If they feel the need to say hurtful things to one another, they deserve to see the honest result of that decision, not ME standing there, passing judgment upon their character, criticizing their instinctive communication, evaluating their worth, or predicting a life of misery.
I reserve the right, though, to call it like I see it. Instead of “seeing” a fight that needs resolved, I could have chosen to see “kids that could use some apple juice” and shouted upstairs to see who wants some.
While I probably won’t be marching upstairs to force peace upon them anymore (especially if I get an ipod for Xmas) I can totally discuss conflict resolution methods with them during peaceful times. In fact, we do that all the time.
This is where media comes in. Books, television and movies are filled with conflict and almost always, the viewers can think of different ways that the main character could have handled the situation.
The Thomas Jefferson method of homeschooling, which, along with the trivium, is the backbone for all classical education curricula, is highly dependent upon discussion. That’s right, talking. Our house sounds like a hen house sometimes with all of the girls involved in lengthy debates over the books they’re reading or the movies they’ve seen.
(Hey- another reason I need an ipod, my older girls & I can listen to audio books)
Anyway- the literature and books you read, discuss and debate become part of you. Some families use this as an excuse for limiting the books they allow their children to readfall in love with learn from. A lady in our local homeschool group wouldn’t let her son read Harry Potter because of this. I’m so NOT into censorship, and I believe that there’s good to be found in everything. We loved Harry Potter, and saw every movie the minute it opened, waited in line at midnight for the books to be released (in costume, no less) Our debates and discussions about the HP series were fantastic, and none of us came away with thoughts of malice. How could we?
So if anyone can name a book or movie where the characters debate everything based upon the meanings of the words, something that my 9 and 6-yr-olds would appreciate, then please let me know. Because this is the depth of how far I feel comfortable intervening. I can’t wait to look back & say “remember when you girls used to fight about every single word.” Hopefully the end result will be a deep and full understanding of the workings of language and increased, tried-and-tested communication skills.
And the pointless after-words: (because I don’t “do” short stories very well) is that on November 19th he went in and once January rolls around we can be quite sure and positive that every last one of them will be gone and we can MOVE ON from this phase in life (as much as we love it, of course)
Trying to explain to the kids was funny, though. They like to wrestle with him and jump on him. Madelyn (6) was worried to pieces when she heard he had surgery, she thought for sure there was something wrong. I mean, people don’t just GET surgery for no reason, right?
And Grace (4) was concerned that we “didn’t want any more kids.” She thought we were saying that we “don’t want kids anymore” and she was crying, she said “But we still want you” and it was the most adorable, pathetic thing, she just about broke my heart.
I spent some time reassuring her and explaining it a little more, I am sure that she understands better now. It’s just a reminder to take the time to communicate with kids (to their understanding) and to stay “connected” to be sure that they’re feeling secure and safe.
So anyway- that’s the biggest thing I am thankful for. Here are a few others:
1- I’m grateful for the luxury to work from home, control my own income and set my own hours, I wish I could share that with more moms.
2- I’m grateful that even though our families are all so far away, we’re able to keep in touch over Facebook and the kids can have relationships with our families, too even though we rarely see them in real life.
3- I’m grateful for my kids who are so fun to be around. Nothing is more fun than watching them grow up and embrace this amazing world that we live in. I love their righteous indignation at the world’s injustices. I love their questioning nature, grilling me for details so they can come to their own conclusions. I love to see their passions develop, to watch them learn about the world simply by doing what they enjoy. I love how quickly they notice the beauty in everything around them.
I see a rock, they see a million colorful spots all coming together into one mass that looks gray from just a few inches away. I see a ladybug and they see a small life, crawling along for a reason. They wonder where he’s going and why. They wonder what he’s feeling- is he scared of them? I wonder if I should step on it.
4- I’m grateful for blogging because of the wonderful friends I’ve made online and the women who inspire me, encourage me and make me a better mom
5- I’m grateful for my real-life friends, nothing can quite compare to girlfriends, can it? I hope that you are all enjoying this day with your families, and looking forward to dinner at the Indian restaurant in December, the roller-skating party, the Mom’s Xmas party, and exchanging cheer this holiday season.
6- I am grateful to live in a world where everything we want is within reach. Knowledge is free, a diverse field of perspectives and views enable us to see our own more clearly, and humans are ready to share their experiences, interest and knowledge with one-another, for the good of all.
————————————————————————————-
A word about our Thanksgiving “Dinner.”
The way that cooking has developed in our home over the past few months, we’re taking a very nontraditional approach to Thanksgiving this year.
I slow-roasted the turkey overnight (yep, it was completely frozen when I stuck it in the oven at 5 p.m. and I just took it out at 5 a.m. When the kids get up we’ll have banana pancakes and as they’re ready they’ll pop into the kitchen to make their side-dish with me. I haven’t done Thanksgiving in such a small kitchen before, so we plan to just cook and eat all day, without a specific meal time, probably. It’s not like we all fit at the table anyway.
We generally go see a movie on Thanksgiving but we’ve decided to save up money to attend the Unschooler’s Adventure cruise to Jamaica, Haiti and Cozumel in April.
It’s a very lofty goal, but our travel come-documentary that we’ve been working on for the past 6 years is coming into fruition as we speak. We have assembled an awesome team of producers who are passionate about the product and have worked their butts off making it something better than even we imagined. (and we’re quite imaginative)
I wish I could announce more about that, give me a week or so and you’ll hear all about it. Let’s just say that we have quite an adventure planned over the next year.
About that Cruise- Jamaican beaches, The warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico, Ancient Mayan Ruins, can I even express how much my heart swells to think that my family could be present in the same space as something so fascinating and ancient.
And also to share a great blog I found from a family who lives in their RV. It’s called Where the Fuhkaui. I love their blog’s tagline:
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely. Broad, wholesome, charitable views can not be acquired by vegetating in one’s little corner of Earth.” – Mark Twain
Sometimes when homeschoolers or unschoolers are trying to explain how life and learning are naturally integrated, they use the example of cooking. I tried to intellectualize it in the article Cooking with Kids, but last night’s dinner hour was particularly good example of this “in action.”
All my girls love to cook. In fact, I was telling a friend the other day that sometimes we don’t have official “meals” because there’s someone cooking something all day long. A plate full of crackers with melted cheese, a blender full of fruit smoothies, a recipe someone saw on TV or invented from scratch. With so many people who like to cook, dividing our meals into specific menus really made it more work than is necessary.
Maddy (6) & Gabriella (8) like cook and serve food. When I am in my room working and the older girls are upstairs doing whatever t is older girls do (gossip, watch TV, write stories and song, dance or listen to music…) Maddy & Gabriella like to come around and offer everyone food.
Last night I was making dinner and Maddy came in, saying “I need a pan… the noodle-y kind”
In the past, I may have said “what for?” or otherwise grilled her, and come to the conclusion that since I’m making Dinner, she doesn’t need to cook. Instead, though, I just accepted that she needed a pan and decided to work on dinner alongside her, as equals.
So I opened the dishwasher (they rarely get a chance to cool off and get put away until we need them again) and I showed her all the clean noodle pans, she rejoiced with so much enthusiasm, saying “You are a master.” I thought that was pretty cute, but the conversation just kept getting better.
So we’re cooking together, she told Emilee that she’d make her a Top Ramen (blech) She knew how to prepare it all by herself. I wanted to carry the pan full of water for her, but we settled on having me bring it down from the sink. (me, being a control freak)
So she carried it to the stove, not missing a single drop. (physics)
Afterward, I said “Wow Maddy, I underestimated you. You really kept that balanced well” and she said “thank you. I know how to cook things because you showed me. I can just see you doing things and it makes me see that I can do them, too.” (self awareness, love of learning, gratitude, communication)
I was unloading the dishwasher when she said that and it was so relaxed and easy just being together. She was so proud, so articulate. (LIFE- kids are wiser than we give them credit for)
We made jello together, too. It was her first time making it. She was surprised that it was made with hot water because when she eats it, it’s cold. We discussed how the hot water melts the crystals and makes them swell up and the refrigeration glues them back together. (chemistry, physics) We measured water (doubling the recipe for math)
Both Maddy and Grace wanted to pour the crystals into the bowl. It takes 2 boxes for our family, so Grace (4) poured the first one and Maddy poured the second one. I pointed out that the pink Jello mix was the same color as their jammies. When we poured water into it, the girls pointed out that the red liquid was the same color as my shirt. We discussed the idea that everything pink turns red when wet and decided that it depends what it is. Pink toys won’t turn red. pink paint won’t turn red and their jammies would just look darker. (science, math, communication)
When the noodles she was making her sister were ready, I brought them out with a fork and asked “does she like the noodles with a lot of broth or a little? Maddy said a little and we both agreed that she preferred more firm noodles rather than mushy ones. Although Maddy likes them better mushy and I don’t like them at very much all. Maddy said “Everybody likes different things mommy, and that’s OK” (scientific observation, communication, Psychology)
Then she said “nobody would like cabbage and radish and (list of yucky things) in their noodles” so I said “there are some things everyone agrees upon, huh” I reminded her that perhaps in some country, some people eat that every day and it’s their favorite thing. (social studies)
She carried the soup upstairs to her sister, brought down the dirty dishes and said “Mom, I love cooking with you.”
These are the times that I wish more people understood. There’s no need to “make learning fun” because it already is. All we need to do is relax, and share our lives with our children. imagine- trying to pack all of that into a lesson plan for a first grader. Look at the insanity of standardized education. Look at what we would NOT have learned if I had said “I’m making dinner, sweetie. get out of the kitchen.”
————————-
Upstairs, while we were cooking Dinner and the three oldest were watching a movie, Emilee asked Gabriella (8) what she should put as her facebook status.
Gabriella’s response:
” follow your heart, your heart will lead you to where you want to go.”
Shhhhh… I once promised my oldest daughter that I’d never publish a picture of her on my blog without her permission. I just couldn’t resist this one, though. It looks like we’re parked at Albertson’s here, and she’s snapping photos of her dream car. Something about the silly shoes (sorry, dear, the artfully decorated shoes) and the yellow mustang just looked awesome to me. (She has great taste)
Sixteen
Luckily, she’s also informed us that ANYTHING with an engine and wheels will suffice. And she can wait until February, she says. What a lucky mamma I am.
——————————————————-
And now for the camera review portion of this post, whereby I qualify that I have not yet received the Nikon D90 that Nikon may or may not yet have decided to send me (emphasis on “yet”). This photo was, in fact taken with my old camera, I just stumbled upon it in my files today. If it was taken with the Nikon you’d surely see the aura of her desire for freedom and independence being cast upon the mustang.
I know people who think kids shouldn’t go to weddings or funerals. The first time I came across this perspective, I was shocked. Those are really important things in life- why shouldn’t children be included? The answer I was given is that “Old people don’t want a bunch of kids running around” in reference to the funerals and “People spend a lot of money on weddings, they don’t want to pay for other people’s kids.”
That concept was so foreign to me. I was raised in an environment where children brought joy. When I was a child, everywhere we went, old people were happy to see us. We had big family gatherings and very rarely were children banished to a “kids table.”
At gatherings with the “no kids allowed” crowd, I noticed that there was a kids table. I also noticed that the old people actually DID want to be around the children. I wondered if any of the wedding couples actually may have enjoyed the presence of children.
I stopped attending “no kids” events and decided to bring my children to things, like my heart was telling me. I stopped discussing it with the leader of the “no kids crowd” and no one said anything rude to me about it. No one was rude to my children. Sure, there were whispers. In my opinion, if you’re whispering something naughty you KNOW you shouldn’t be saying it. I don’t care if people whisper. I care that my kids are exposed to life’s rituals and experiences as children. Keeping children away from weddings and funerals is downright abusive to everyone involved.
In my world, children bring the light.
At a funeral, children are given the opportunity to mourn with a group, to see that everyone cries, to cry with others and know that all is well. Experiencing raw human emotion is VERY HEALTHY. After the funeral, while children may not want to sit inside with the adults, eating comfort food and retelling memories, their laughter in the backyard brings a REALITY CHECK perspective to everyone inside.
Kids give good hugs
kids don’t judge, they’re honest and REAL with their feedback
Kids remind us that LIFE still exists.
Kids give us a REASON to go on.
Weddings are often a magical, love-filled environment. How can we withhold that from children? The centerpieces, the flowers, the decor, the mini lights, the music, the fabrics, the candles are as close to real-life fairytopia as it gets. Why on earth would the spirited, loving presence of children be unwelcome?
In my opinion, weddings without children are hollow, empty, and just plain depressing. Standing around getting drunk is really NOT what life is about.
I am sure that it’s one of the consequences of institutionalized education that makes people believe that children should go through life without attending weddings and funerals. The belief that childhood is about “preparing for life” rather than living is truly EVIL.
Imagine going through your whole life and not even seeing a baby until yours is born. It happens. Or how about never seeing a wedding until you’re an adult. No wonder we have BrideZillas. They think the wedding ACTUALLY MATTERS. It’s not the wedding that matters, dear, it’s the marriage and the life that you build together. Will it be a life of excluding children because they’re inconvenient (or more likely, can’t afford their own gift)? What next, will you exclude the elderly, too?
As a mother of six girls, I look forward to up to six amazing weddings, filled with children in pretty dresses. My younger children will attend their older sister’s weddings (not any time soon) and my first grandchildren will probably attend their Aunt’s weddings. I have 4 nephews, 3 nieces and another (neice, I think) coming soon. They’re all very small and are already invited to my oldest daughter’s wedding (not any time soon) because my girls love kids and because if children aren’t welcome, I’m not going.
Children are an important part of society and NEED to be included in rite-of-passage events and life transitions, both for the benefit of the child AND the benefit of everyone else that’s present.
An environment without children is not natural. It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. Children provide perspective (what’s important in life) and a sense of wonder.
The inability to tolerate the presence of children is a sign of serious mental illness.
Wanna talk about children’s behavior?
I know a lot of people hate that word, a lot of unschoolers hate that word, but that’s what comes up when you talk about having children at fancy restaurants and at weddings.
Children learn by practicing and by experiencing.
A child who can think will not climb on the table at a white linen restaurant. It’s painfully obvious to even the most dimwitted of humans that certain situations require a certain level of decorum.
Kids feed off of the energy around them and in a quiet place where conversations are low, they will generally only make “inappropriate noise” when no one is talking to them. It’s a parent’s job to keep children engaged in activities that befit the location. THIS is socialization, not “recess.”
I have an entire rant on ‘recess” that I’m saving for another day.
Children “behave” the way they’re expected to. Period.
A culture that’s critical of children for wearing their energy-level on their sleeve is ill-equipped to handle all SORTS of reality, not just the fact that kids exist.
I am sure that if we all ran around as much as children do, we’d be more fit and healthy.
There’s absolutely NOTHING that a child can do in public that’s of much consequence in the long term. Nothing they break can’t be fixed. Their presence will NOT cause me to enjoy myself less. If anyone present finds that they are enjoying themselves less because a child is present then I would speculate that they weren’t welcome as children and are, perhaps, in need of child-therapy, to learn that children NEED to be included in life. Children are the present, not JUST the future.
Kids exist. Kids are alive NOW. Kids don’t need to get older before they take part in life. Weddings and funerals are important parts of life. Kids belong at weddings and funerals. Weddings and funerals need children. Their “behavior” is irrelevant. Their presence is invaluable.
(Edited 11-13-09 to say that the National Organization for Women agrees with me and said it better, even though I said it first)
Watching my kids learn has been the most fascinating aspect of not sending them to school. Partly, I’m sad for the children whose education isn’t self-driven, because the “love of learning” face that toddlers are known for grows more beautiful the older a child gets.
At 4, Grace is very helpful around the house. Recently, she wanted to help me fold laundry. She sat by my side, wadding things up into little blobs while I obsessively created perfect folded squares. She looked at her pile and said “Mommy, show me how you fold.” So I did, we started with long sleeve shirts and she mastered it after 2-3 of them. Madelyn (6) came in and Grace was beaming at her new “pile” of perfectly folded shirts.
At 6, Madelyn is enjoying writing notes. Of course it’s faster to speak out loud but she is enjoying writing notes. She’s been playing Farmville and Yoville and some other silly FaceBook games and she has friends who write her notes while she plays. She loves chatting online with her friends and has decided that she’d rather communicate with everyone in writing. I must have spelled “I love you” out loud for her a thousand times last week. She doesn’t want me to write it for her to copy, she just wants me to say the names of the letters, including spaces and punctuation, for her to transcribe. She runs into the room several times a day to ask “Mom, how do you spell “get your stinky feed off of my pillow or you can’t be on my bed anymore” or maybe “Please please please get out of the bathroom I need to pee.” If I don’t say “space” or comma” when it’s time, she gives me an odd look. If a word doesn’t look right to her, she says “Are you sure this is spelled right?” At the end of each note, she EXPECTS a period, a question mark or an exclamation mark.When I don’t tell her to write one, she asks “Is this a complete sentence?
The kids have set up a system of mailboxes at everyone’s door and spend all day long passing notes throughout the house. So they’re learning to write and read and use punctuation and capitalization through love, through the desire to communicate. At this point, I can’t even imagine another way anymore. Imagine being assigned “Write “I love you” fifty times today. Wouldn’t that be ridiculous? It’s become increasingly ridiculous to me that kids are taught reading and writing OUTSIDE of the desire to communicate. THAT is what reading and writing are for. No wonder schools fail, when written communication is irrelevant.
At 12, Meagan spent many years as a victim of our aggressive work schedules. There just wasn’t much time or money to do the things she wanted to do. She always wanted to do Soccer but I could never find the sign-up information and Saturday 7am practices and games were NOT something we wanted to participate in. Actually- here, they practice like 3 days a week and play games on Saturdays at the crack of Dawn. So this year she decided she wants to take tapdancing. It works for us. We signed her up for a class for her age group and all of the girls in the class have been dancing since they were toddlers. The teacher showed them the dance really quickly. Meagan felt a bit lost, like she was in over her head. She set up the laptop in the kitchen and watched youtube to learn the beginner’s moves. She practiced tapping in the kitchen for hours and hours and hours. She didn’t even consider giving up. At class yesterday, she remembered the entire routine. She practices at home all the time. It’s noisy, but beautiful. She’s taking jazz, too and her smile is just phenomenal when she dances.
Learning is beautiful, when it’s rooted in love. Sometimes it’s my 6 yr old pleased to present us with personalized love notes or surprising us with notes she’s spelled on her own. Sometimes it’s my 4 yr old screaming at anyone who tries to fold a long-sleeve shirt because that’s her responsibility and sometimes it’s my 12 yr old tapdancing in the kitchen at 2am.
Or maybe kids who text are smarter. Either way, apparently we can all relax when it comes to teens who communicate with messages like this:
hey
hey
wat r u up to?
nada, u?
gr8 day 2day. pizza 4 brkfst
cool
yeah
u goin 2 the dance?
no
why
idk- ru?
yeah
why
idk looks like fun
ok- g2g, cul8r
bye
Apparently- all that was a stimulating mental experience, like a critical thinking exercise. Connie Varnhagen, a researcher, discovered that whether a teen texts or not has absolutely NO bearing upon their reading, writing or spelling abilities. Actually, a bunch of researchers are discovering that not only is it “not a bad thing” but it might actually be “a good thing” because in some ways, the texting teens were smarter.
I haven’t read the studies, I tried to get to the source of one and realized that this is a blog not a research paper, so I don’t really have to find the real source, I can just make stuff up speculate and that’s OK.
I don’t know if the study took into consideration that the teens who can afford to text all day possibly come from homes with higher incomes, who tend to score better anyway (except my teen perhaps)
I could speculate that schools make the written language REEALLYY boring, but humans have a deep primal need to communicate with one another, so teens text (when I was a teen, we passed notes) and because it’s more interesting than schoolwork it stimulates their brains more, and is pleasurable because of the interaction. The decoding of cryptic acronyms is like a word puzzle. Stumping a friend with an acronym they haven’t heard yet probably gives teens an ego boost, inspiring both parties to continue.
I am not a “morning person.” I wake up confused, my eyes are blurry, my voice is gritty and my body moves slowly. I tumble into the kitchen, straight for the coffee pot and stare at it cross-eyed until there’s enough to fill my cup. Sometimes I squat in the kitchen so I don’t have to use any muscles or energy to stand up.
Because of this (and the fact that it’s easier for me to work when they’re asleep) I get up between 5 and 6 a.m. while my kids don’t start waking up until 9 or so.
I have a happier day when I can wake up to peace and take care of my needs for coffee,solitude and silence before tending to the needs of the children. The kids have a happier day when the first words they hear are “Good morning sunshine” rather than “quit stomping on the stairs please.”
Most of my kids wake up chipper and happy, eager to get on with the business of whatever they’re interested in. Sometimes in the night, they find their way into my bed. There’s always someone extra in there when we wake up. This morning it was Grace, she’s 4 years old. She wakes up and rubs her eyes a little, looks around the room and smiles when I say “good morning.” Then she turns and snuggles in, saying “good morning” to the baby, kissing each one of her little toes. Within minutes, they’re giggling, kissing and hugging and asking for pancakes.
When the pancakes are ready, they come to the table, holding hands and Grace insists that their plates be identical this morning. Matching plates are rare in our house
Madelyn (6) comes down the stairs, we can hear her stomping. She’s a skinny little girl but sometimes I think she’s trying to press her foot through the stairs. Her first words to her sisters are “good morning” and she gives them each a kiss before sitting at the table for pancakes.
The other kids are asleep, it’s just me and the younger half most mornings. I don’t usually eat breakfast, I usually zip over to my computer to finish up whatever it is that I was working on when they woke up. As they finish their breakfast, they’re planning their first adventure for the day. “Grace, wanna go pick flowers with me?” or “Maddy I’m going to take a bath.” Every day it’s something new.
Some days I have surprises planned. Whether it’s an art project or a “field trip” (is there a non-school-y term for this… going somewhere just to learn more?) they’re usually excited about the plans I make. Since we both work from home, everyone doesn’t HAVE to go with us.
So what do your mornings look like? I was listening to a call-in radio show where the caller said something about how he can’t work from home because his kids go to school, the house is too loud in the morning. The host said “I know what you mean man, mornings are the worst.” Which was followed by an article I stumbled across that was trying to teach parents how to help their kids wake up in the morning for school.
I found the advice a bit sad, “Don’t let them press snooze” was probably the most painful. I remember how much I hated waking up for school as a kid, especially in high school. I’ve often thought that the “answer” to some of the problems schools have would be to operate a set of classes between noon and 6pm instead of forcing everyone to comply with the 8am-2pm thing. What’s wrong with waking up and getting a good start to the day. With school kids and their parents so over-scheduled, a 12noon start-time might help everyone start their day with a hearty breakfast and a peaceful home instead of the yelling, stress and rushing around that I hear so much about. Sure, some people function better in the morning, I’m not one of them, though.
20% of the when time I visit Suite101, one of the websites I write for, I see the somber face of Barry Schwartz in the upper left corner of the screen, who writes his feelings about psychology. He has written ten books on psychology, the most recent of which is called “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less.” His books espouse the theory that people are happier if they have less choices in life. He believes that having too many choices can lead to social unrest.
My big beef is that he’s not taking into account the fact that the people he’s studying were likely not allowed to make their own choices as children, and are therefore struggling with A- conflicting sense of obligation (which choice is right?) and B- lack of understanding of their own desires (I don’t know what I want, I want them all, I don’t want any of them) and C- Fear of making the wrong decision (as if ANY decision is that important) and D- lack of information (what’s the difference?) and E- Emotional stress (I feel like this one, but since when do my feelings matter?) all of which result in decision-paralysis.
The condition he’s talking about, where people are miserable because they “have too many choices” is actually the RESULT of having every decision made FOR them as children. Mr Schwarz hasn’t studied free children. I wish he would.
At the RE conference a few weeks ago, we had the opportunity to sit in on a panel of young adults who grew up unschooled. When I say young adults, they ranged from age 16 to 25 (ish- I could be wrong about the numbers) One thing that struck me while hearing them discuss their lives was the absurdity of my own expectations. I remember at that age thinking that I “must always have a plan” and that I always felt like I was “on the verge of living.” My oldest is not even sixteen and so many people are asking her about “her plans.”
Most adults can look back upon their life and see that they did NOT live according to their plan. I think out of six or seven unschooled young adults on the panel, two had “plans.” The rest made conscious decisions about how to live their lives, albeit with a consciousness very different than my 20 something consciousness.
What is it about our culture that says we must limit our own options by adhering to a plan or a goal, like “I want to be a veterinarian.” How about a principle that says “I will work with animals” and then an open mind that says “I will make decisions in my life that bring me closer to what I want (animals)” Wouldn’t that be a lot wiser than having a 16 year old decide “I want to be a veterinarian” and then commit the next 2 yrs of high school to classes that he needs for college, then the next 4+ years in college taking classes that bring him closer to the goal of being a veterinarian and then finally getting out of school and working as a veterinarian so that 6 years later he can say “I reached my goal” after having passed up several other opportunities to work with animals in the meantime. It’s a system that states that misery comes before pleasure. It’s born of the belief that you can’t simply “do what you want” you have to make decisions. furthermore, those decisions need to be made at a time in your life when you don’t have any experience or resources to draw upon.
My oldest decided that she wanted to be a pediatrician about a year ago. I jumped on it, and so did she. Devouring science books about biology, anatomy, she had a bunch of diseases memorized and she had a lot of fun learning about the human body, but then she changed her mind and was annoyed with me for getting caught up in it. I apologized, but I doubt she’ll share her next career goal with me. And that’s OK, I wouldn’t trust me either after this. Imagine- assuming that a 14 yr old knows what she wants to be when she grows up. She may, she may not. Why on earth would I want to lock her in a box like that?
The example I gave about the veterinarian is probably wrong in the numbers & requirements department, I really don’t know what it takes to be a veterinarian, but I know that half the kids in my 4th grade class wanted to be veterinarians. Why? Because it’s the most money you can make working with animals and as 4th graders, we knew that making money was important and we liked animals. Kids like animals. City kids don’t get to hang out with animals much. Horses, cows and goats may well just as well be unicorns and mermaids. We had pets, personally. I never wanted to be a vet. I’m just saying, it’s a popular kid-career-goal.
In his article The Impact of too many options in modern life, the author relates his story about buying blue jeans as an example that being faced with too many options has a negative effect. In fact, he believes it’s the reason that there are so many people who are clinically depressed.
To that, I say “poo poo.”
Mr Schwartz, you knew you wanted regular jeans upon walking into the jeans store. You had the option of simply purchasing the “regular jeans” you were directed to and ALLOWED yourself to spend half the day trying on different styles and cuts instead of simply getting what you wanted. The problem is that in all your life, no one had ever asked you what kind of jeans you wanted. The sales gal isn’t an expert in jeans, if she was, she’d probably take one look at you & say “you get the old geezer jeans” because you’re totally not the acid-washed, multi-zippered, flare legged type of guy. You can’t blame your own decision-paralysis upon the fact that you were presented with so many options. It’s not The Gap’s fault. The problem lies in the fact that you’d never been allowed to decide.
How on earth are people supposed to grow up in an environment where someone else decides what they eat, watch, read, play, think and wear and then be expected to walk into The Gap and know whether they want jeans that are loose, tight, baggy, flared, straight leg, low rise, five pocket…?
The trouble- Mr Schwartz- isn’t in the fact that there are so many options. The trouble is that people are TRAINED to have someone else make their decisions. Children in our country are TAUGHT to hold their urine until the bell rings, TAUGHT that their own preferences for foods are irrelevant. (You can’t have pizza because it’s Tuesday, Tuesday is taco day.) Children are TAUGHT that their interests don’t matter. Children are TAUGHT to withhold their desire to communicate with others (Speak when spoken to, no passing notes in class, raise your hand before you ask a question…)
I think Suite101 is trying to “look cool” by having bestselling authors in that corner spot. He only has two articles on the site, so maybe I’m bitter because there are writers with over a thousand ( I have like 136ish) and his grim looking face is one of five “spotlight” writers that rotate in and out of that position. It’s getting really old.
It doesn’t so much bother me that he’s there, but that his message is so skewed, so biased and backwards. To be honest, I haven’t read his books, all I read was the two articles he has on the site. Perhaps he DID study other cultures. Perhaps he DID make an effort to survey the decision-paralysis of people who had grown up with freedom to make their own decisions. I could be wrong. There are so few in the US, though, that I really doubt it. The ones I saw weren’t paralyzed by too many options, they were content. Driven by their own interests, without guilt, without second guessing themselves. They all had their own personality. Some were more socially driven than others, some more spiritually driven, and some more career-driven. I imagine that’s no different than any other panel of young adults would be. One thing I never ever ever heard them say was “My ____ thinks I should _____.” These “kids” had been raised to make their own decisions, so their focus as young adults wasn’t on “deciding what to do” they just DID IT. One older teen said “I live with my parents, so I don’t need to provide for myself, but I can see that one day I will want my own place, so then, I will.” The audience laughed at the simplicity of the statement, but it was truthful and the fact is that most 16 yr olds really have no business making a deeper commitment than that.
I know that when people ask my oldest daughter what she wants to be when she grows up, she’s stunned. She wants to work with kids, maybe. That’s the best answer I can come up with. But I am sure that somewhere, rolling around in her mind, there are ten thousand career options. Why should she choose now? Why should she spend a minute forcing herself into a decision? How many adults grow up and “be” just one thing? Knowing what she likes and dislikes, and having the freedom to follow her passions allows her to seize opportunities as they arise.
My Dad is wildly successful. He finished high school in 1971 and still dreams of college. In his life, he’s been a business owner, a salesman of cars, insurance, vacuum cleaners, alarm systems, tons of other stuff, a police officer, a firefighter, a corporate tax planner, a real estate agent and now he owns a commercial real estate brokerage firm. I imagine that at some point as a child, someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said “A cowboy” because it was the 60’s and cowboy movies were popular. Last time I visited him, he said that he’s still dreaming of college, he wants to get a law degree when he retires so that he can write nasty letters on behalf of people victimized by politicians and stupid laws (something like that) and I have no doubt he’ll be good at it, he’s already practicing. (Scroll down, he’s 2nd to the last, Jim King) Either way, he’s a successful adult, and his life’s success isn’t based upon some plan he concocted as a teenager. He’s re-evaluated, planned, and basically taught himself how to follow his bliss. It’s an uphill battle, choosing things based upon your own pleasure when you’ve been taught that your happiness is irrelevant.
I find it so interesting… I read in a poll of parents that one of the biggest goals people had for their children was that – as adults, they are “Happy.” Other options on the survey were “wealthy, well traveled, religious…”
If happiness is such an important goal, why are so many children systematically having their happiness stolen? From crying it out in the crib, to “Hurry up and eat breakfast or you’ll miss the bus,” children are taught that their happiness is irrelevant by the same people who just want them to be happy. Life isn’t a journey, there is no destination, each moment matters.
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. (Albert Schweizer)
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. (Denis Waitley)
If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time. (Edith Wharton)
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. (James Oppenheim)
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. (Margaret Bonanno)
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. (Mark Twain)
People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.(Ramona L. Anderson)
The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart. (Thich Nhat Hanh)
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. (Thich Nhat Hanh)
If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator (W. Beran Wolfe)
That is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great. (Willa Cather)
Today it doesn’t matter that the floors are crooked (wavy, actually) or that the bathroom is…. horrid- completely horrid, if we were owners not renters, I’d dynamite the bathroom and press a port-a-potty against the door. and it doesn’t even matter that while we were gone, my dog shed a 2 inch layer of hair onto my living room floor. We’re finally home:)
We drove 25 hours in one day (OK, 25 consecutive hours because technically that’s longer than a day) before we arrived in Park City, just north of Wichita, Kansas. We stayed at a Best Western (free wireless, free hot breakfast buffet and an indoor courtyard with a pool, foosball, pool tables, miniature golf and other stuff). The following day, we drove the remaining 6 hours into Dallas.
In Oklahoma we stopped at a roadside “scenic outlook” that showcased the geologic formations, which was interesting. More interesting, though was that on the BACK of the interpretive sign, several people had signed it and left messages. Some were funny, some were obscene and others were just a “hey I was here.” it reminded me of Facebook, especially when my 8 yr old asked if she could “sign the wall.” I stammered- writing on things in public is bad. I relented. This was the back of the sign, everyone else had done it, it won’t turn her into a vandal and I wonder, what does she have to say to the world? While the girls signed, I walked a little way down the hill to the edge of the overlook. on the railing, someone had adhered a custom-made die-cut sticker that said “I’m Already There” If you’re familiar with the country music song by Lonestar, then you know what this means. if not, Check it out on Youtube. I couldn’t believe someone went to all that trouble to leave their message, and what a perfect spot.
Once we arrived in Dallas and got checked into the hotel, my biggest fear was negated (people really did member me) and the older kids disappeared. I saw glimpses of them off and on throughout the week, but they were having so much fun with their friends and the many many many activities that the Rethinking Education Conference had planned.
I had a whole busy schedule of workshops and classes I wanted to attend. Instead, I spent much of my time with my children, I can’t complain about that, it was the most fun we have EVER had together. We went swimming each day, we rode up & down the elevators just because we could, we jumped on the beds, we snuggled until noon, we watched the Disney Channel and I didn’t work for even half a minute. I had the pleasure of sharing a few glasses of wine with like-minded moms at the mom’s night out (twice that week) and failed to convince my husband to go to the Dad’s night out. I got to visit with special friends, women who I know mostly online. our kids played together. Several times, I was told that my kids are amazing. I didn’t get to see them much, but I know they were random-huggers, making sure that everyone at the conference felt the love. They enjoyed making duct-tape things- a cell phone cover, a purse, a wallet. They performed in the talent show, they went to a few workshops and got very little sleep. Brandon and I made it to a few workshops. Between the audio book we listened to on the drive and the workshops we attended, we had plenty to discuss.
After the conference, we drove 20 hours to visit my sister, then a little over an hour to visit Brandon’s mother, sister and brother as well as their families, my kids were so excited to meet their cousins and it was really nice seeing my sister-in-laws (or is it sisters-in-law?). Even Uncle Ernie came over. We had our first hot meal of the week (hotel- no microwave in the room, no worries)
We crashed on grandma’s couch. Have you ever seen 8 people on a sectional sofa? Technically, a few of the kids snuggled with Grandma. The smoke from the Southern CA fires was still in the air and breathing was hard, I kept coughing.
The next day we drove another hour and a half to visit with friends, our very favorite family friends. I first met the Spargos when I was doing hair at Supercuts in Palmdale. I used to chat with her while her husband got his hair cut. Our daughters were the same age (not yet a year old) This year they’re both turning sixteen.
After dinner with the Spargos, we had dessert with Brandon’s sister and her husband then drove- 18 hours, home. We arrived around 2pm. We logged over 75 hours in the car with 6 kids, not nearly enough sleep, very little nutrition and more than enough love to make up for it all.
Last year I came home confused, my head was spinning from back-to-back workshops with very little time to decompress and reflect upon all the new information. It was like cramming for a test on a subject I’d never heard of before. This year, though, I’m relaxed, focused, more purposeful. I didn’t need all the workshops, I just needed a break. I have some new goals, some new memories and my little Universe has expanded. What more could I ask for?
Silly high-point, opening the swagbag to discover that I had an article published in the Home Educator’s Family Times. I get the email version, I guess I just forgot that there was also a printed version. It’s pretty cool to see my words printed for real. What is it about online publishing that’s so “not real?”
Which would imply that we were flying but we’re actually DRIVING to Texas with the kids.
Six kids and 2000 miles (one way)
I’m such a last-minute person, but I’m really proud of myself. I have a friend staying here to feed the dog, water the plants, etc. Usually I call people on the way to the airport.
So far we plan to leave at around 9pm. We opted to drive at night to increase the likeliness that children would sleep in the car, thereby decreasing the potential fighting that can occur when eight people occupy a mere 50ish square feet of space.
Since my husband is a night owl, he gets the first driving shift, and I suspect he can make it until 5 or 6 am. Then, it’s my turn. I’m glad to be able to see the scenery in the daylight hours and hopefully everyone will sleep until noon because that’s 15 hours, then we can get a hotel room and let the kids swim & play while we rest and then get in the car to do it all again at 9pm that night.
The halfway point is Green River, Wyoming, I think. Anyone in Green River wanna go out to dinner?
We plan to arrive the day before the convention so we can rest up and chill out in the hotel’s swimming pool.
On the way home, we’re going to go the long way, and visit family in California. It only adds 400 extra miles to our trip and when will we ever be a mere 400 miles from CA?
I’ve strategically stashed several hand held video games that I’ve found lying around the house in the past few months, so that when they get bored, I will have a solution. They haven’t even noticed them missing. Actually I’ve got a few technological rescues planned- laptops,video games, cd players and things like that.
Clothes- always a dilemma. I mean, a family of 8×10 days=80 pairs of underpants, y’know. Actually, I googled a laundromat near the hotel.
And tomorrow I’m going to the pawn shop to buy a camera. Back when some crackhead stole my laptop, I visited every pawn shop in town several times a week looking for it and I always saw these great cameras, selling for about the same as their eBay counterparts. If you have a pawnshop in town you should totally try it.
(Side note- I was looking for the link to my laptop-being-stolen blog post, and when I googled “crackhead stole my laptop” I discovered that it happens a lot, there are a lot of people having laptops stolen by crackheads. Just for an experiment, I also googled “pothead stole my laptop” and got nothing, in case you wondered- unless you count the “pothead stole my girlfriend” post which doesn’t relate to the laptop thing, but it’s what I got.)
Anyway, my head is spinning about this trip, so many things to remember. I can’t even name them all. I’ve been writing a million extra articles to pay for this trip, and it’s so exciting to see it actually happening. A year ago, this was a fantasy that I couldn’t imagine realizing. Today, it’s just 20 loads of laundry away.
Anyway- one of the articles I wrote this week is actually taking off in a big way, getting a TON of traffic, and I find that hilarious because it’s so ridiculous. Not ridiculous in a stupid way, I just find it funny that anyone is looking for this information. Anyway- here it is- Math Skills with Facebook’s Farmville Video Game and because of the word count restrictions, I actually had to cut the article down a lot. I planned to analyze all the plants, trees & animals. Whatever- enjoy:)
Hey- speaking of FarmVille, I harvested a 22 inch zucchini from my backyard veggie garden today. Not that that has much to do with FarmVille.
Recent Comments