Mrs Hannigan's Home for Girls

20% of the when time I visit Suite101, one of the websites I write for, I see the somber face of Barry Schwartz in the upper left corner of the screen, who writes his feelings about psychology. He has written ten books on psychology, the most recent of which is called “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less.” His books espouse the theory that people are happier if they have less choices in life. He believes that having too many choices can lead to social unrest.

My big beef is that he’s not taking into account the fact that the people he’s studying were likely not allowed to make their own choices as children, and are therefore struggling with A- conflicting sense of obligation (which choice is right?) and B- lack of understanding of their own desires (I don’t know what I want, I want them all, I don’t want any of them) and C- Fear of making the wrong decision (as if ANY decision is that important) and D- lack of information (what’s the difference?) and E- Emotional stress (I feel like this one, but since when do my feelings matter?) all of which result in decision-paralysis.

The condition he’s talking about, where people are miserable because they “have too many choices” is actually the RESULT of having every decision made FOR them as children. Mr Schwarz hasn’t studied free children. I wish he would.

At the RE conference a few weeks ago, we had the opportunity to sit in on a panel of young adults who grew up unschooled. When I say young adults, they ranged from age 16 to 25 (ish- I could be wrong about the numbers) One thing that struck me while hearing them discuss their lives was the absurdity of my own expectations. I remember at that age thinking that I “must always have a plan” and that I always felt like I was “on the verge of living.” My oldest is not even sixteen and so many people are asking her about “her plans.”

Most adults can look back upon their life and see that they did NOT live according to their plan. I think out of six or seven unschooled young adults on the panel, two had “plans.” The rest made conscious decisions about how to live their lives, albeit with a consciousness very different than my 20 something consciousness.

What is it about our culture that says we must limit our own options by adhering to a plan or a goal, like “I want to be a veterinarian.” How about a principle that says “I will work with animals” and then an open mind that says “I will make decisions in my life that bring me closer to what I want (animals)” Wouldn’t that be a lot wiser than having a 16 year old decide “I want to be a veterinarian” and then commit the next 2 yrs of high school to classes that he needs for college, then the next 4+ years in college taking classes that bring him closer to the goal of being a veterinarian and then finally getting out of school and working as a veterinarian so that 6 years later he can say “I reached my goal” after having passed up several other opportunities to work with animals in the meantime. It’s a system that states that misery comes before pleasure. It’s born of the belief that you can’t simply “do what you want” you have to make decisions. furthermore, those decisions need to be made at a time in your life when you don’t have any experience or resources to draw upon.

My oldest decided that she wanted to be a pediatrician about a year ago. I jumped on it, and so did she. Devouring science books about biology, anatomy, she had a bunch of diseases memorized and she had a lot of fun learning about the human body, but then she changed her mind and was annoyed with me for getting caught up in it. I apologized, but I doubt she’ll share her next career goal with me. And that’s OK, I wouldn’t trust me either after this. Imagine- assuming that a 14 yr old knows what she wants to be when she grows up. She may, she may not. Why on earth would I want to lock her in a box like that?

The example I gave about the veterinarian is probably wrong in the numbers & requirements department, I really don’t know what it takes to be a veterinarian, but I know that half the kids in my 4th grade class wanted to be veterinarians. Why? Because it’s the most money you can make working with animals and as 4th graders, we knew that making money was important and we liked animals. Kids like animals. City kids don’t get to hang out with animals much. Horses, cows and goats may well just as well be unicorns and mermaids. We had pets, personally. I never wanted to be a vet. I’m just saying, it’s a popular kid-career-goal.

In his article The Impact of too many options in modern life, the author relates his story about buying blue jeans as an example that being faced with too many options has a negative effect. In fact, he believes it’s the reason that there are so many people who are clinically depressed.

To that, I say “poo poo.”

Mr Schwartz, you knew you wanted regular jeans upon walking into the jeans store. You had the option of simply purchasing the “regular jeans” you were directed to and ALLOWED yourself to spend half the day trying on different styles and cuts instead of simply getting what you wanted. The problem is that in all your life, no one had ever asked you what kind of jeans you wanted. The sales gal isn’t an expert in jeans, if she was, she’d probably take one look at you & say “you get the old geezer jeans” because you’re totally not the acid-washed, multi-zippered, flare legged type of guy. You can’t blame your own decision-paralysis upon the fact that you were presented with so many options. It’s not The Gap’s fault. The problem lies in the fact that you’d never been allowed to decide.

How on earth are people supposed to grow up in an environment where someone else decides what they eat, watch, read, play, think and wear and then be expected to walk into The Gap and know whether they want jeans that are loose, tight, baggy, flared, straight leg, low rise, five pocket…?

The trouble- Mr Schwartz- isn’t in the fact that there are so many options. The trouble is that people are TRAINED to have someone else make their decisions. Children in our country are TAUGHT to hold their urine until the bell rings, TAUGHT that their own preferences for foods are irrelevant. (You can’t have pizza because it’s Tuesday, Tuesday is taco day.) Children are TAUGHT that their interests don’t matter. Children are TAUGHT to withhold their desire to communicate with others (Speak when spoken to, no passing notes in class, raise your hand before you ask a question…)

I think Suite101 is trying to “look cool” by having bestselling authors in that corner spot. He only has two articles on the site, so maybe I’m bitter because there are writers with over a thousand ( I have like 136ish) and his grim looking face is one of five “spotlight” writers that rotate in and out of that position. It’s getting really old.

It doesn’t so much bother me that he’s there, but that his message is so skewed, so biased and backwards. To be honest, I haven’t read his books, all I read was the two articles he has on the site. Perhaps he DID study other cultures. Perhaps he DID make an effort to survey the decision-paralysis of people who had grown up with freedom to make their own decisions. I could be wrong. There are so few in the US, though, that I really doubt it. The ones I saw weren’t paralyzed by too many options, they were content. Driven by their own interests, without guilt, without second guessing themselves. They all had their own personality. Some were more socially driven than others, some more spiritually driven, and some more career-driven. I imagine that’s no different than any other panel of young adults would be. One thing I never ever ever heard them say was “My ____ thinks I should _____.” These “kids” had been raised to make their own decisions, so their focus as young adults wasn’t on “deciding what to do” they just DID IT. One older teen said “I live with my parents, so I don’t need to provide for myself, but I can see that one day I will want my own place, so then, I will.” The audience laughed at the simplicity of the statement, but it was truthful and the fact is that most 16 yr olds really have no business making a deeper commitment than that.

I know that when people ask my oldest daughter what she wants to be when she grows up, she’s stunned. She wants to work with kids, maybe. That’s the best answer I can come up with. But I am sure that somewhere, rolling around in her mind, there are ten thousand career options. Why should she choose now? Why should she spend a minute forcing herself into a decision? How many adults grow up and “be” just one thing? Knowing what she likes and dislikes, and having the freedom to follow her passions allows her to seize opportunities as they arise.

My Dad is wildly successful. He finished high school in 1971 and still dreams of college. In his life, he’s been a business owner, a salesman of cars, insurance, vacuum cleaners, alarm systems, tons of other stuff, a police officer, a firefighter, a corporate tax planner, a real estate agent and now he owns a commercial real estate brokerage firm. I imagine that at some point as a child, someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said “A cowboy” because it was the 60’s and cowboy movies were popular. Last time I visited him, he said that he’s still dreaming of college, he wants to get a law degree when he retires so that he can write nasty letters on behalf of people victimized by politicians and stupid laws (something like that) and I have no doubt he’ll be good at it, he’s already practicing. (Scroll down, he’s 2nd to the last, Jim King) Either way, he’s a successful adult, and his life’s success isn’t based upon some plan he concocted as a teenager. He’s re-evaluated, planned, and basically taught himself how to follow his bliss. It’s an uphill battle, choosing things based upon your own pleasure when you’ve been taught that your happiness is irrelevant.

I find it so interesting… I read in a poll of parents that one of the biggest goals people had for their children was that – as adults, they are “Happy.” Other options on the survey were “wealthy, well traveled, religious…”

If happiness is such an important goal, why are so many children systematically having their happiness stolen? From crying it out in the crib, to “Hurry up and eat breakfast or you’ll miss the bus,” children are taught that their happiness is irrelevant by the same people who just want them to be happy. Life isn’t a journey, there is no destination, each moment matters.

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. (Albert Schweizer)

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. (Denis Waitley)

If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time. (Edith Wharton)

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. (James Oppenheim)

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. (Margaret Bonanno)

Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. (Mark Twain)

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.(Ramona L. Anderson)

The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator (W. Beran Wolfe)

That is happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great. (Willa Cather)

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