So before you announce that I’m crazy (as if I haven’t already confessed to that) check out the people commenting here because they’re THAT MOM (or Dad, maybe) too.

OK- I’m the mom that lets her 2 yr old eat a bowl of candied walnuts and rolaids, which she calls “drugs,” by the way.

The breakfast of champions

I’m the mom that sat in a parking lot so my 13 yr old could catch a rabbit and bring it home as a pet

I’m the mom (and I’m not the only one, apparently) who lets the kids skate in the house, mattress surf down the stairs, build tents in the living room, use the roof of the car as a stage for impromptu performances, stay up until whatever time they feel like going to sleep…

Yeah, that’s me.

And I’m in good company, too

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Baby Madelyn snoozing in the Maya wrap

When I was pregnant with Madelyn, I was working 50-60 hours a week at a Chinese restaurant. I was one of two people who were not Chinese. Maria was the other. She was 21 years old, the youngest of 19 children and still lived at home, very much “babied” by her entire family. She had a LOT of questions about sex, as if her family had never told her how it worked. She was a sweet girl, very kind hearted and helpful.

About a year after I left the restaurant, I ran into Maria at the grocery store. Boy was I surprised to see that she was holding a little teeny pink bundle. Apparently she was taken into the ER for stomach cramps and came home with a baby. A beautiful little Mexican baby with amber skin, the blackest hair and 18 aunts and uncles who were probably very surprised by Maria’s situation.

We chatted for a little bit, she loved the baby and was so excited to be a mother. Her family was helping her and taking care of her. She wasn’t planning to go back to work for a few more months.

Imagine my surprise when she leaned into her little baby’s face and said “Who’s mamma’s stupid little baby?” HUH? You can’t call a baby stupid, I was thinking. The baby giggled, like all 4 month olds do when you raise your pitch and speak directly at them. Then, Maria said “Are you mommy’s ugly little baby?”

Stunned, we finished the conversation and I moved on, so very tripped out by the entire interaction.

I know babies don’t KNOW what we’re saying. I know we could be reciting The Raven or reading them The Wall Street Journal and they’d be just as happy as they’d be if we read nursery rhymes or something else. But it never occurred to me to actually talk smack to my baby like that.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided that I guess I do the same thing. When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to say “shut up.” My mom found it terribly offensive and expected us to ASK one another to be quiet. In my house, though, we do say shut up. It’s not always an angry phrase, sometimes it means “you’re kidding, right?” and other times it means “no way” and other times it really does mean “be quiet, dammit” when we’re not feeling kind enough to say please. It happens.

That’s the whole point. It doesn’t matter WHAT we say, it matters what our intentions are.

My life experience has taught me that “stupid & ugly” are insults. Until I met Maria’s baby, I’d never heard those words used with a different intention, so I only knew one “meaning.” Hearing them used with a different intention was really confusing.

I thought about this story a lot as I was learning about the power of intention. When we say certain things to our children, they understand our intentions sometimes better than we realize. Have you ever said “Maybe” and your kids roll their eyes because they KNEW you meant “no” or jump for joy because they know you meant “yes.”

Kids have a lot to deal with when they’re learning how to communicate. Our voices, intentions and words don’t always match up. And each adult in a child’s life will have a different way of communicating. It’s an important skill that simply CAN NOT BE TAUGHT. Understanding this has made communicating with toddlers and small children so much easier for me, but it’s made me doubly aware of how precious and fragile these years are and how important it is that they’re allowed to participate in conversations all day long.

I’m not about to tell my children they’re stupid or ugly. However, I’ve considered very deeply that when Maria’s daughter gets older she’ll probably be very confused, but not insulted if words stupid and ugly are ever hurled at her in anger. But I don’t think it will affect her self-esteem, because she knows her mom’s intentions weren’t to insult her.

So what about you. Do you say anything in your house that could be misinterpreted if people didn’t “feel” your intentions?

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In the end, she came up with her own ideas, “a race” and “tying people up” and “making homemade band aids.”

Madelyn wouldn’t even compete in the tying people up category, which made grace a winner by default. The look of joy & pride on Grace’s face when she beat Maddy at making homemade band-aids was priceless and I suspect Maddy let her win the race, when she realized what was going on.

Around here, we’re not much into competitive sports, where other people make up the rules. And we’re definitely not the types that wake up at the crack of dawn to drive the kids out to a field to play. I prefer that the kids engage in activities that encourage them to be their personal best, rather than focus on “beating others.”

In principle, I’d let them participate in group sports, but in realty, it hasn’t happened. Sign-up dates have often eluded us, as this information gets sent home with kids at school. I’ve often wondered why these groups (soccer clubs, little league, etc..) don’t have more informative websites. I don’t make much of an effort to find out about these things because I’m not interested in attending practice 2-3 times a week or sitting in the sun or wind at 8am on a Saturday while they play.

Yes, competition is a natural part of life. Yes, competition is healthy and normal. No, we don’t need to invent situations where kids can experience arbitrary competition. Life presents plenty of natural opportunities to experience competition, without expensive uniforms, ongoing repetitive “championship rounds” or anything like that. Rivals can (and should) be friends, always. There’s more to competition than warfare.

Arbitrary rules of competition set kids up to live by the other people’s definition of success, instead of creating their own happiness. This might work well for people who define success by keeping up with their neighbors, but around here, we have different expectations.

I expect my kids to excel exactly as much as they wish, at whatever they choose to be a worthy exploit. I expect that they are in tune with their own inner longings, and find it easy to decide what games they’ll compete in and whether or not they intend to win, or just want to play. I trust that the activities they choose and the decisions they’re making today are part of their ultimate identity, something I would never dream of influencing or “shaping,” to do so would be blasphemous.

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In the past, I was a food-nazi mom. I limited and controlled everything my kids ate. The decision stemmed from love, it really was the best I could do at the time and it did jive with my overall parenting philosophy at the time. I’m so glad my philosophy has changed. My kids probably are, too.

Today, philosophically, I limit nothing. In reality, I still tend to groan or subconsciously indicate displeasure when a child takes another popsicle. I’m trying to stop that. I also shop alone sometimes to avoid purchasing those items. Overall, they eat really well. My kids make diverse food choices, picking more vegetables and fruits than a lot of families and not a lot of “junk food” binges.

I feel the need to define junk food, since I used it in quotation marks. My definition of junk food is anything processed. Crackers, beef jerky, fruit jelly snacks and rolls, doritos, hoho’s, anything with high fructose corn syrup, canned fruit, anything with white flour, plus the candy and chocolate bars you’d expect.

Another theory on junk food is that NO food is junk. I have yet to embrace that one. Whenever I “get it” I’m sure I’ll blog it. I feel like the food nature provides is superior to anything man makes, and man-made food is junk. But I could be wrong And I try not to teach my kids that certain choices are “wrong.”

So anyways, the Radical Unschooling theory is that when restrictions are placed on certain foods, it creates an unhealthy obsession with the food. I know that when I was a child, we weren’t allowed to eat a lot of candy and sweets. As a teenager, when I started to have more control over my food choices, I chose more candies and treats than I probably should have. Theoretically, without any stigma, dogma or emotions assigned to foods, kids with freedom to choose will listen to their body, naturally make “better” decisions than a child who’s been taught that sweets are “for special occasions” or that “the yummiest things are bad for you” or “too much is a bad thing.”

I could see the logic in this thinking for a long time, but I’d also been sending my kids the wrong message for a long time, too. When my oldest kids were little, I definitely controlled their food options. I felt it was my responsibility to make decisions for them, believing that if they had the choice they’d eat candy all day. In fact, when I started this, I’d limit the foods that came into the house, so that I’d be OK with the kids’ ultimate freedom. I know, it’s a contradiction, but it was a stepping stone for me. I guess I still do it to some extent, since I don’t generally bring all 6 kids to the grocery store. But honestly that’s more about crowd control than food choices. My girls talk, constantly and if you’ve ever had 6 little girls chattering at you in the grocery store I imagine you’d screw up your shopping, too.

Anyway, it took a while and I’m still not perfect, but I can see the fruits of freedom, especially in my 2 year old. Her food choices are so incredibly cool for a 2 yr old. Her favorite foods are tomatoes, avocados, the Chinese hot sauce with the chicken on it and jelly. I let her eat it from the jar. She generally has about 2 bites. I would never have done this a few years ago, but why not? She also eats peanut butter from the jar and plain bread. but when you put them together, she won’t eat it at all. So what’s the harm? She can identify almost every spice in our cabinet by smelling it, thanks to Meagan’s tutoring. Smelling and tasting the spices is one of her favorite activities. Sometimes she’ll ask for a specific spice on her food. “More garlic, please” or “You put some paprika on here for me, please?” Of course I will, you deserve to have your requests honored, even if they seem silly to me.

I used to be very against the “short order cook” method of feeding a family. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, though. And it’s really nothing like being a short order cook. When we cook for everyone, we have a big meal that most of us like and if 1 or 2 people want something different, it’s really not that big of a deal to work that into the menu. Often, someone’s plate can be modified simply by skipping the sauce, picking out the meat or adding some trivial ingredient. We’re feeding 8 people, there will ALWAYS be multiple dishes. Everyone should have access to something they enjoy and it’s beyond rude to force a child to “eat what we’re having or nothing at all.” I used to do that.

Here’s how bad I was: My oldest daughter was probably 3 years old one day and didn’t want the soup we were having for lunch. So I wrapped it in plastic and served it to her for dinner and she didn’t eat it. The next day, she didn’t eat it for breakfast or lunch and I actually brought it to the restaurant for dinner again. And the whole time, I kept thinking “My goodness she’s stubborn.” I didn’t even see it at the time that I was the stubborn one, she just didn’t want the soup. It’s amazing that kid survived.

In our house, I make sure we always have fresh fruit or veggies available for snacking. Other snack foods are available, too. Gabriella’s been making homemade French fries lately. Someone is always cooking something and everyone but Grace enjoys spicy foods. When candy and treats come into the house, I just let the kids gobble them up as fast as they want. I no longer ration anything, including Halloween candy. Yep, they’ve gotten belly aches from too much candy before, but no one’s ever been killed by a belly ache. And I read an article that said a slow and constant (rationed) diet of sugar is worse for your teeth than gobbling it all up at once.

Today I’m happy with the food choices my kids make. The only rationing we do around here is calculating how many cookies are in the box, to be sure everyone gets some.

When we shop, I always let them pick a treat. This was a hard lesson to learn, too. It didn’t “click” with me until I overheard a woman tell her child “We are not here for that.” And it occurred to me- DUH- That’s the whole point of shopping, to pick stuff? Why on earth would it be fair to not allow the kids to pick something? Surprisingly, they don’t always pick candy or impulse items. They’ve picked watermelon, cereal, chocolate, fancy juice, pop, burgers, frozen pizzas, breakfast sausage and all sorts of things. When there are no restrictions, there’s no obsessions, no taboos. Oranges are just as exciting as tootsie rolls. They’re able to listen to their bodies and make decisions based upon something other than my nutrition dogma.

And everything we eat becomes a “treat” because nothing is forbidden. Nothing is for “special occasions.” No “special occasion” will be minimized by the prospect of FINALLY getting to eat something sacred. No food item is more exciting than the act of sharing a meal with one another, no matter what it is. We have thanksgiving Turkey all year round, we have birthday cake when no one is having a birthday and we grow food in our garden that’s more of a treat than chocolate bars. Imagine their excitement, discovering a ripe strawberry in the garden, hidden under the leaves like a present from the earth.

They see me reading labels. We discuss the nutrition labeling information, but I don’t often eat foods with labels. I’m about 80% raw & organic in my diet (the other 20% is deep fried, chocolate, cheese, coffee and meat) I feel filled with energy and light as a feather when I eat like this. It took me 35 years to learn how to listen to my body.

When I see the way my kids eat, I can see that allowing them to listen to their bodies is worthwhile. I can never know what their nutritional needs are, on a day-to-day basis. Contrary to what the government’s food pyramid may imply, our needs DO change from day to day and everyone’s body has different needs. My kids’ food choices reflect that. I wish I could go back time 15 years and argue with myself about that old philosophy. Imagine- bringing the soup to the restaurant.
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For the record, none of us are obese, or even the slightest bit overweight.

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I just thought she was so silly, going on and on about how children “need” a bedtime. What on earth was she so afraid of? Did she think the kids wouldn’t sleep? Did she think they’d stay up all night long and sleep all day? Did she think it interfered with Mom & Dad’s sex life? For the life of me, I can’t imagine what all the fuss is about.

Some of our family’s favorite bonding-times have been when the rest of the world is sleeping. Remember when we shared a basket of jellyfish? Being “connected” to our children means that we’re aware of their needs and treat them the way we’d want to be treated.

Heather from Swiss Army Wife recently blogged about her family’s bedtime ritual “Wise men Sleep when they are tired.” and she made a great medical and psychological defense against crib usage and forced bedtimes.

In the Nightline Story about unschooling, the reporter focused in on bedtimes as a unique aspect of Radical Unschooling;

In this household, there is no bedtime, no alarm clocks in the morning. Eleven-year-old Devin often stays up past midnight — and Martin does not object. “I’m so happy that he does, and that he has that time to himself because his sisters go to bed at 9 or 10. He can have a nice three, four hours with Joe or just me,” she said. Instead of waking up at 7 a.m. to go to school, Devin sleeps until around 10 a.m. “It’s the same amount of sleep,” he said.

How much simpler can it get? Our bodies don’t require a bedtime. We just need to sleep. Regular periods of wakefulness and tiredness ensure that humans WILL SLEEP. Period.

Ron Paul, who plans to homeschool his own kids, blogged about the Nightline special, too. his commenters bordered hilarious; one said

The only thing the reporter seemed concerned about was these kids weren’t going to be getting up at 5 a.m. to crank up their SUV to go sit in traffic to go work for the man.

The reporter was asking about what “jobs” they’ll be able to get.
WHAT JOBS !?!?!?!
The jobs will all be in China and Mexico by then.
The only jobs in the U.S. will be Homeland Security and prison guards.

Prepare to be shocked. My kids have stayed up all night before. Emilee and Meagan did this at the RE Conference last year because they were so eager to hang out with their new unschooling friends. But, they learned more from the experience a few months ago, when they were given laptops as gifts from their grandparents. Emilee actually threw her thyroid off balance for a few weeks because her sleep habits were such a mess. But she didn’t like the way it felt. She learned her lesson. Meagan learned the lesson without medical consequence. Gabriella (9) stayed up all night a few months ago and spent the next day tired, teary and regretting it. Would any of them have understood this if I’d forced them to go to bed, taken away their computers or bullied them into sleeping? Who knows? But why fight about such a trivial, personal thing?

I’m 35 and I absolutely love being up at night when the rest of the house is asleep. I can clean and an hour later, it STILL looks perfect. I can make a dessert and no one asks for a bite. I can dance around with my iPod and not bump into anyone. Do I regret it the next day? Sometimes, Sometimes no. I tend to plan ahead, and do it when I know I don’t have plans the following day, so I can nap if I need to.

The point is, I am in control of my body. I know that I need sleep (thankfully not much, I thrive on like 4-5 hours these days) and I know how it feels to be rested vs tired. I recognize my body’s needs and do what it takes to meet them. I don’t need the same amount of sleep every night. Since I’ve stopped eating processed foods and started getting more exercise, I require about half the sleep I used to. I’m aware of my body’s changing needs on a daily basis and so are my children.

And, in case you wondered, life without bedtime totally does NOT mean parents can’t have sex. The stork didn’t bring my babies.

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